Author Topic: Long but great story.  (Read 836 times)

Offline cdrover(Clyde)

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Long but great story.
« on: January 30, 2013, 06:00:53 pm »
King this one is for you, You will appreciate this one.


TASER GIFT STORY

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
What are we here for but to help others. (Author unknown)
Clyde

Offline Keefie

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Re: Long but great story.
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2013, 06:33:13 pm »
I'm really glad I had no coffee anywhere near lol, I have seen that one before but it is just as good each time I read it  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
It's all a case of "Mind over Matter",  The Government don't Mind, and I don't Matter.

king310

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Re: Long but great story.
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2013, 08:59:22 pm »
I loved it. Respect the taser not the dirtbag.

I can relate to something very similar (several)with pepppppper spray. :o :o :o :o :o ;D :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Offline Gabby

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Re: Long but great story.
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2013, 02:56:21 am »
I loved it. Respect the taser not the dirtbag.

I can relate to something very similar (several)with pepppppper spray. :o :o :o :o :o ;D :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

OH yeah "Mace" will clear your sinuses!
One of my friends who was on the same department I was, had occasion to use it on a Navajo who was heavy weight champ of the Pacific fleet during WWII this was a BIG dude and tough as nails. To get to the point he'd been pounded on so much he hardly had any pain receptors working in his face and loved his booze which also numbs your senses. This officer responded to a report that he was going to tear a bar up, when he arrived the Navajo had been locked out and was on the prod, and instantly advanced.  Anyway Old Bob whipped out his full sized can of Mace, and hit him right in the eyes with it, He shook his head and said "that damn stuff smarts, I'm going to tear your head clean off" I'm here to tell you he could do it too! He used that whole can of mace and it still took 4 more officers to get him booked. No one ever wanted to tackle him because this was the result every time, only some times it took more men. True story!
No you don't need your boots.
Gabby
MOLON LABE.
TRUST IN GOD!
 DON'T BELIEVE ALL YOU HEAR & DON'T SAY ALL THAT YOU THINK !

king310

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Re: Long but great story.
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2013, 08:15:47 pm »
Air, Water and Time.
OK! One time ;D We where doing our annual training for pepper spray cert. We were using out dated cans for this. We were all spred apart so as to not spray each other. WELL my Captian and myself were behind a friend of ours. He was a Lt.
The wind was to our back and we sprayed in the arc like they told us...opps wrong arch. He kept looking at the can he was using thinking it was leaking and we were behind him laughing our A%^ off as he kept wondering why he was getting sprayed.
Then it was time for our swip under the eyes then we were to flush with water and a towel was provided to dry off. oppppps someone sprayed his towel........ :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :o :o :o :o
ALL I CAN SAY IT WAS NOT ME since I did not have railroad tracks on my shoulder....... ;D

 

SMF

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