Author Topic: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"  (Read 3291 times)

Offline slowcutter

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"THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« on: September 20, 2012, 02:18:22 am »
 THIS WAS TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!!
If this don't put tears in your eyes ,you have passed.See you in the next life. 
Jack
Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had!!!  This one made me cry!!!! Go potty before reading.  This is HILARIOUS!!!
"THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. 
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That's when it happened.
Gas strikes in two different ways -  uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I  suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home.  On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me  lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad  it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized .  My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble.  Big trouble. 
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.  "Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"  How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're  writhing in pain is because you have to fart?  Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself. People, hear me. There was nothing I could do.
As impressive as I am  with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat  silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A  horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of  way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I  in hell?" sort of way. Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie). "What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.  "I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"  "What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you... ." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.  "Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood  out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.  It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We  were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.  Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our  windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then  sorta wished I was dead. We sat silently for the rest of the way home.
Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in  an urgent, explosive kind of way.  He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had  already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart,  love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from  the cops. I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I  was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever,  EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door. "Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.  Where do you want me to put them?"  "Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.  "OK, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"  *toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*  "I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay? "Okay, are you sure you're ."  "I'm fine! Get away from the door!"  This man! I mean, I love him, but take a hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was  possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.  But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're  married and he's laying on the couch while I type this.
JP

S - ee
M - iracles
I - n
L - ife
E - veryday

SheGold

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2012, 07:18:31 am »
Oh my goodness, too funny.. Thanks for the laugh... Sheila

Offline Keefie

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2012, 07:42:15 am »
brilliant - only one thing wrong with it, it reminded me of my ex wife  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
It's all a case of "Mind over Matter",  The Government don't Mind, and I don't Matter.

Offline Russ C

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2012, 08:24:10 am »
OMG  :o  :o  :o  I am ROFLMAO.  :D  :D  :D   Read it to my wife, know she is ROFLHAO.  :D  :D  :D

Almost made my sides hurt.  :D  :D  :D
russ@simplywoodencreations.com

Keep The Blade On The Line.

Offline Judy Hunter

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2012, 10:27:50 am »
That was so funny ;D I snorted, cackled and then broke into uproars of laughter.
thanks so much I haven't laughed like that in years.
I'm from North Dakota

Offline GrayBeard

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2012, 10:29:04 am »
Sounds like one of the double dates I had in school and the gal in the back seat almost blew out the windows on a stormy night on the way home! We all got a bit damp from the rain coming in and actually laughed for a half hour. My friend married her anyway!

~~~GB~~~
I never really wanted to grow up....All I wanted was to be able to reach the cookie jar...and play with my DW 788

Offline cdrover(Clyde)

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2012, 09:23:26 pm »
Thanks for the wonderful laugh. ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D
What are we here for but to help others. (Author unknown)
Clyde

ChuckD

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2012, 03:30:23 pm »
In my case it was me.  And I never even heard from her again.  No sense of humor at all.  :)

HWPlmbr1

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2012, 09:38:24 pm »
Too funny! My wife told me after a while of doing this...walking away from the table and "letting it out"...my oldest son would say "there goes dad farting up a storm again"  ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o ::) ::) ::)

Offline Gabby

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Re: "THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY"
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2012, 01:30:24 am »
Reminds me of my Dad, he belived farts were a normal part of being alive and I guess I have to agree with him.
He was known to rear over on one cheek and let fly and they were not silent.
Sounded more like trying to start a Mack truck on a cold morning,
or a Jakobs engine  brake on a long hill.
He had a famous limrick he would recite.
"Better out than in, I'd rather bear the shame, than bear the pain!"

He also liked the little dittie-----

"Beans, beans the musical fruit,
The more you eat the more you toot,
The more you toot the better you feel,
Lets have beans for every meal!"

Whew I feel better already.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Gabby
MOLON LABE.
TRUST IN GOD!
 DON'T BELIEVE ALL YOU HEAR & DON'T SAY ALL THAT YOU THINK !

 

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