After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received a letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Clifton:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot condone this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the restrooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. Twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through cried, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the associates passed out.
