"THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE US NAVY"
A Seaman saying "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying "Trust me, sir..."
An Ensign saying "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this *!#%..."
NOW THEY TELL ME
During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a
young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly
as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he
gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat
embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast
feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Chief
sadly shook his head, and in true US Navy fashion exclaimed........ And
all these years I've been chewing gum.
NAVAL OFFICERS and NAVY CHIEFS
A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a
conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of
Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval
Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the
arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the
Chiefs calls out: "The conductor is coming!". At once, all the Chiefs
jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the
tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is
occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" One of the
Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor
continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers
decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire
group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn't buy
any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again:
"The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a
toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the
other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the
toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"
Moral of the story? -- Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs,
but they don't really understand them.
MASTER CHIEF AND 3 LIEUTENANTS
One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to
eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place
was crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with
two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them.
They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined
them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief
mentioned he had observed characteristics about many officers from which
he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants
were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of
them had been commissioned.
The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went
through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he
had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through
his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but
limited military experience.
The Master Chief then told the Lt on his right that he had gone through
OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed this was
correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief
said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have
a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had
determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the
Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy . The
Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high
level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior
qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy . The Master Chief
replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had
simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his
nose.
ROUTE TO BECOMING AN ADMIRAL
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the
window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "
Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both
surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a
tightlipped smile, "Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two
sons, both judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims: "Master Chief Petty
Officer , United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both
Admirals."
SEAMANSHIP TEST
One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty
Officer's seamanship.
"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the
ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard
procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?" "Hmmm," The Chief
said, "Which one, sir?"
A WISE OLD MASTER CHIEF ONCE SAID
A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about
the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Master Chief, " the insignias for the Navy are
steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable
but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver
bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"
"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant
Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden.
You see we've always covered our private parts (censored) with leaves."
THE CHIEF AND THE GUNNY
An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about
who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny
declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out
of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa , clawed my way up the blood
soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest
with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside
General Mac Arthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the
way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and
small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive
combat tours in Vietnam . We humped through the mud and razor grass for
14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper
fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until
our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with
bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore
duty, huh?"
