When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving
the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been
so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)
is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't
- so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in
her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
" The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh
muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay
toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be
the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice
saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there
was no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's
still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to
hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).That will have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny,
crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide
down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because
YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,
dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it
flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl
that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and
into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too
At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and then
slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,
.....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing
from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper
from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just
might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the
men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around
your neck?" ...........
