Messages

1396

The Coffee Shop / Re: Starting to get ready

« on: March 30, 2013, 03:25:37 am »

Good luck with your surgery, if you get the doctors and nurses with the language barrier then give me a call, I'm pretty fair on a scroll saw and not bad with a drill and not too bad with welders too, I might not be a surgeon, but I'll give it a good go for you. At least you'll be able to understand what I'm saying. Like "oops" or "thats knackered it" or even "that shouldn't have happened!!"

hope all goes well for you.

Keefie

1397

The Coffee Shop / Arthritis

« on: March 29, 2013, 04:22:12 pm »

A drunk sat down on the subway next to a priest. The drunks tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin stuck out of his torn coat pocket. The drunk opened a newspaper and started reading.
After a few minutes the drunk turned to the priest and asked, "Father, what caused arthritis?" The priest replied, "Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be!" and returned to reading the paper.
The priest thought a minute about what he said, apologized saying, "I'm sorry, I did not meant to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk replied, " I don't have it Father; I was just reading in the paper that the Pope does."

1398

The Coffee Shop / Tesco's Pharmacy

« on: March 29, 2013, 04:02:32 pm »

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

...
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

1399

Brag Forum / Re: Grandma Plaque

« on: March 29, 2013, 03:34:12 pm »

very nicely done Tommy

1400

The Coffee Shop / Re: Blondes at Disneyland

« on: March 29, 2013, 12:36:28 pm »

It does Marcell, but I managed to get a link to it on here too

1401

The Coffee Shop / Re: Scroller's Time Chart....

« on: March 29, 2013, 12:35:30 pm »

Perfect fit for me too lol

1402

The Coffee Shop / Re: Blondes at Disneyland

« on: March 29, 2013, 08:46:21 am »

Marcell, It's on here now under "Time to sing along"

1403

The Coffee Shop / Time to sing along!!!!!

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:35:33 am »

I found it for you Marg, so here it is for all to enjoy singing along to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N9t7EdEo_k

1404

The Coffee Shop / Re: YES, THIS IS US!!

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:28:36 am »

You bloomin Scottish, you never cease to amaze me - we all pay for our gas/electric to heat out hot water and there you are getting it for free!!!!!   

1405

The Coffee Shop / Re: It all began with an iPhone...

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:23:11 am »

Technology can hurt us in many different ways.

And the wife knows many more ways too!!!

1406

The Coffee Shop / Re: Had to say Goodbye to a dear friend today...

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:21:19 am »

They are more than just our pets, they are close loyal friends, it's never easy to lose one. Sorry for the loss of your friend.

1407

The Coffee Shop / Re: TWO TRUE STORIES

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:17:17 am »

sent that on to a friend who lives in Chicago.

1408

Brag Forum / Re: Navy Veteran

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:13:17 am »

Great work Dan,

1409

Brag Forum / Re: Butterfly Jewelry Box

« on: March 29, 2013, 05:12:02 am »

beautiful box Tommy, hope you do well at the show

1410

The Coffee Shop / Re: YES, THIS IS US!!

« on: March 28, 2013, 06:27:18 pm »

Rob, my dad says he hasn't got a bald patch - it's a solar panel for a sex machine...

I told him he had that wrong, when he was younger he had all waves on his head - now the tide has gone out and it's all beach.