Topics

76

The Coffee Shop / Slump

« on: June 03, 2013, 02:47:28 am »

I am in a scrolling slump. At least I think thats what you could call it.  I have not been out to the garage in almost 2 months now and the awful thing is I don't want to go.  Yes I have a project that I want to do, its a Sue Mey pattern but I just can't be bothered.  Yet I'm feeling guilty because the project is for my husband.  No I'm not depressed, no its not the weather because I have a pretty good heater out there, I just don't know what the problem is.  Originally it was because I was so busy with life, doctors, running around for my husband, running around for my daughters and running around for myself but not now everything as calmed down and I am stuck in the house reading a book, not even a really good book. LOL  Do you ever get like this and does it go away?

Marg 

77

The Coffee Shop / An oldie but goodie

« on: May 07, 2013, 02:57:33 am »

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.


Marg

78

The Coffee Shop / 3000

« on: May 06, 2013, 02:44:59 am »

Wow I've passed the 3000 mark.  Gee my fingers talk a lot.   

Marg

79

The Coffee Shop / Very pleased.

« on: May 02, 2013, 02:44:59 am »

Well over 12 months ago my now ex son in law said for me to get an external hard drive to back up my files.  Well I got one and asked if he could show me what to do and of course that never happened.  So its sat in its little box ever since not even been out to see daylight.  Well yesterday I took it out and today I decided to give it a go which for me is a mammoth task as I am next to useless with computers but hey guess what I did it.  I am sooooo very pleased with myself, infact I just sat here and shouted YES YES YES GO ME.  How stupid. 

Marg 

80

The Coffee Shop / movie recommendation

« on: April 27, 2013, 06:18:52 am »

If you would like to see an Australian movie with lots of Australia in it may I recommend Charlie and Boots with Paul Hogan.  They are on a very long road trip so you get to see and awful lot of the country.  I hope you can get it from somewhere.

Marg

81

The Coffee Shop / School Play

« on: April 16, 2013, 02:59:08 am »

A boy comes home from school and says  "Dad I have a part in the school play.  I play a man thats been married for 25 years.

Dad turns to the boy and says.. "Don't worry son you will get a speaking part next time.".............................


Marg

82

Brag Forum / Thanks Roly

« on: April 03, 2013, 12:26:47 am »

Thanks Roly I loved this pattern so much I cut it to put in my garage and I have put it under a mirror that I use to look behind me when I'm scrolling.

83

Brag Forum / What I've been working on

« on: April 03, 2013, 12:18:48 am »

The first one is of dolphins and I have had the pattern sooooooooo long that I have no idea who the pattern maker was.  It is made from 3mm marine ply and is a gift for a friends birthday.
The second one of Yoda I have also had sooooooo long I have no idea who the pattern designer was either.  This is a gift for my Star Wars crazy grandson.

84

The Coffee Shop / scrollgirl & Thumbs

« on: March 23, 2013, 02:10:52 am »

Scrollgirl  Sheila and Thumbs your avatars are missing I think you may have to reload them.

Marg

85

The Coffee Shop / In British Hospital

« on: March 08, 2013, 12:54:23 am »

The last one is very funny.  Enjoy
 
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to
have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the
wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I
asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . ... 'So how was your breakfast this
morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste.' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name


Marg

86

The Coffee Shop / Home

« on: March 04, 2013, 01:06:02 am »

Yes I am home. I have been back a week now, unfortunately I got sick after a couple of days of being home and then everything else seem to happen and OMG what a week its been.  Anyway all back to normal now I hope.

Marg

87

The Coffee Shop / dissappointed

« on: February 20, 2013, 04:09:17 am »

I have waited about 5 years to come to Tasmania (Tassie) and to the town of St Helen's to go to a timber mill to get lots of Tasmanian Blackheart Sassafrass my favorite timber.  The owners come to the Melbourne Working with wood show and they are very nice people.  But what happens when I get here,,,, I find out that he recently closed down the business.  I am soooooo very disappointed, it's like finding out there's no Santa Claus all over again.  Apart from that I'm still having a great time.

Marg

88

The Coffee Shop / No Joke

« on: February 17, 2013, 01:56:49 am »

 On Friday night my daughters neighbor was walking his dogs when he was attacked by three 16 year olds, 2 male and 1 female.  They hit him with a fence post and kicked him. He let go of one of his dogs but hung on to the smaller one because she had 2 puppies at home that are only the 4 weeks old.  They kicked the dog until it was dead and the man as a broken eye socket, part of his cheek bone dislodged, teeth loose and missing and a few broken ribs. He had surgery on his face today and lucky for him they did not damage his eye sight.  The police have arrested the police 2 males but are still looking for the female.  It comes to something when you cannot take your dogs for a walk.  By the was my daughters has the puppies and she is taking good care of them.

Marg.

89

The Coffee Shop / holiday

« on: February 13, 2013, 04:46:19 am »

Hi everyone.  I'm in Hobart Tasmania at the moment. I'm getting even further DOWN under.  LOL  Came over on Monday on the Spirit of Tasmania ferry took lots of travel sickness pills to get me here and I was fine but big tough Terry who said he would be fine he's never seasick spent a bit of time in the toilets heaving his guts.  LOL   He wants tablets on the return journey.  The landscape is a lot like Scotland in the Highlands, weather's better though.  Sorry Rob.

Marg

90

Brag Forum / Elvis

« on: January 31, 2013, 11:13:54 pm »

These 2 are for a friends mum for her 70th birthday.  The first one is by Gary Browning and if you turn it upside down it looks like a witch.  And the 2nd I think is by NCScrollsawer.  They are both made with 3mm marine ply.  Hope you like them.

Marg