Topics

676

The Coffee Shop / BEST blonde joke ever!

« on: November 09, 2011, 12:50:47 pm »

Best blond joke you'll ever read!


Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

677

The Coffee Shop / Meet my 'rusty' "BLADE"....

« on: November 08, 2011, 06:15:56 pm »

Here she is in HER chair which formerly was my exclusive domain!

Check that 'rusty' nose!

She really isn't that 'tough' just sleepy!

678

The Coffee Shop / Letter to God from man's Best Friend.....

« on: November 08, 2011, 12:12:39 pm »

Dear God: It's me, the Dog

Dear God: Is it on purpose that our
Names are spelled the same, only in reverse?



Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?



Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?



Dear God: Why are there cars named after
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
named for a Dog? How often do you
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car
ride! Would it be so hard to rename
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?



Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off
in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad Dog?



Dear God: We Dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?



Dear God: More meatballs,
less spaghetti, please.




Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?



Dear God: Here is a list of
just some of the things I must remember
to be a good Dog:
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.



P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven,
may I have my testicles back?

679

The Coffee Shop / From the mouth of a child!

« on: November 07, 2011, 06:19:49 pm »

TRUE STORY: FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...   now this is hilarious, I dont care who you are.
 


A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says,  "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
 
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
 
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"
 
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S&*t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
 
The teacher had to leave the  room.

680

The Coffee Shop / KITTENS!

« on: November 07, 2011, 06:04:53 pm »

We are trying again!
After putting 3 to sleep in 6 weeks we are starting over....

Today brought home "BLADE" and "DUSTY"....

Blade is a 3 month old female Gray and Black tabby with some reddish brown on her face that may get her nicknamed "Rusty Blade"! VERY active and playful.

Dusty is a 4 mo. old  male light caramel colored tabby...also affectionate and playful.

We are hoping this is the last of having to go through the pain and aggravation of 'putting friends to sleep".

Pictures will follow when they settle in enough for me to take them.

~~~GB~~~

681

The Coffee Shop / What does LOVE mean?

« on: November 05, 2011, 01:10:36 pm »

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,

'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:


'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8



'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4



'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5



'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6



'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4



'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7



'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8



'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)



'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate , '

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)



'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7



'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6



'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8



'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6



'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5



'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .'

Chris - age 7



'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4



'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4



'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7



'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'

Mark - age 6



'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said ,

'Nothing , I just helped him cry'

Brilliant Kids!

~~~GB~~~

682

The Coffee Shop / Sweet Lady!

« on: November 05, 2011, 01:03:29 pm »

Bless her little heart.....How sweet........
The secret to long life...
     
    A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:, 
She was sitting  on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
     
        ?I couldn?t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret??

       ?I smoke ten cigars a day,? she said.
?Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice  big joint. 
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every  week, and eat only junk food. 
On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don?t exercise at all.?
       
     ?That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you??
 
    ?Forty,? she replied

683

The Coffee Shop / Relationships....

« on: November 04, 2011, 04:58:16 pm »

Might Work!

684

The Coffee Shop / Does a bear....

« on: November 04, 2011, 12:21:55 pm »

Yep!

685

The Coffee Shop / Marriage....

« on: November 04, 2011, 12:17:27 pm »

"Getting married for the sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts!"

Jeff Foxworthy

686

The Coffee Shop / C I moment...

« on: November 04, 2011, 10:32:59 am »

I had been told that the 'third mapping' session would be a traumatic one.
Well yesterday I had my third 'mapping' (tweaking session) and it was traumatic alright!

The changes brought so much more clarity and general improvement I lost it again!
It sometimes is hard to believe this is really happening.

Going to a 'concert' this afternoon and I am like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.....

~~~GB~~~

687

The Coffee Shop / Rushing the Seasons...

« on: November 04, 2011, 01:14:43 am »

If only this would happen!!!!

688

The Coffee Shop / Before you DIE...Don't forget to CANCEL your Credit Cards!!!

« on: November 03, 2011, 06:30:41 pm »

Cancel your credit cards before you die!!---
Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today..

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death.. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help....'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

689

The Coffee Shop / "The Cookies"

« on: October 30, 2011, 09:30:30 am »

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.    With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.    There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.   Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral. 

690

The Coffee Shop / The "Series" is over....

« on: October 29, 2011, 06:08:50 pm »

A Message from Tony ....