Topics

46

The Coffee Shop / Let's put seniors in jail

« on: September 20, 2010, 05:34:07 pm »

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.


      This would correct two things in one motion:

       Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

      They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

      They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

      They would have constant video managing, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

       Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

       A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them

      They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

      They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling,

      a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

       Simple clothing - I.e.., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

      There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

      Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

      They would receive daily phone calls..

      There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

       The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to,

       with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors

      and their families from abuse or neglect.




      As for the criminals:

      They would receive cold food.

       They would be left alone and unsupervised.

      They would receive showers once a week..

       They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

       They would have no hope of ever getting out.

47

General Scroll Saw Talk / Bonanza

« on: August 26, 2010, 09:12:31 pm »

Saw a cabinet shop today and stopped to see what they did with their cutoffs.  They sent me to a dump trailer in the back and said I could have all I wanted.  Managed to find quite a bit of 1/4" ply.  Not really sure what it is but should work fine for ornaments.

48

The Coffee Shop / Just wondering

« on: August 16, 2010, 05:58:11 pm »

Can you cry under water?


-- ----------------------------------------------------------------

            How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            What disease did cured ham actually have?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

            They're going to see you naked anyway.


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

            They're both dogs!


------------------------------------------------------------------

            If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little St ar have the same tune?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


------------------------------------------------------------------

            Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets m ad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

49

The Coffee Shop / Naked cowboy

« on: August 16, 2010, 05:52:14 pm »

        Naked Cowboy

        A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a
        blond
        haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his
        gun
        and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

        As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around
        like this?'

        The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

        I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me
        to
        go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

        We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
        shirt...
        So I did.

        Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I
        did.

        Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I
        did.

        Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
        to
        town cowboy.. '

        'And here I am.'

        Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist

50

The Coffee Shop / Stick, stuck, framed

« on: August 06, 2010, 06:28:51 pm »

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.

                            After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

                            She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode.

                            As she tried to stand up, she realized the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

                            About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

                            Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.  Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital emergency room.

                            The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.  Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,  'Well, doctor, I just bet you have never seen anything like this                              before.'

                            The doctor replied,  'Actually, I have seen lots of them.  I just never saw one 'mounted and framed' before.'

51

The Coffee Shop / Only a Texas man can make you feel like a woman

« on: July 30, 2010, 05:09:50 pm »

Only a Texas man can make you feel like a woman

    A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things

    went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.



    One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and

    screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going

    to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on

    this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"



    For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in

    the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the

    plane.



    He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.



    Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,

    one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled

    across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke...



    "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

52

The Coffee Shop / For those over 50

« on: July 29, 2010, 10:37:18 am »

                This is for the over 50 generation:

                I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

                I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses,

                 

                 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.

                 

                 I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

                That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon,

                 

                Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my

                 

                 cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

                My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel

                 

                 movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone

                 

                in the garage in my golf bag.

                The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and

                 

                 then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench

                 

                 

                 with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and

                 

                was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50

                 

                 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
                and I got a little loud.

                I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most

                 

                 annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would

                 

                sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".  You would think that she could be nicer.

                 

                It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me

                 

                to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

                When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while

                 

                 she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

                To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

                 

                 We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all

                 

                at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and

                 

                 the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

                The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to

                 

                 the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden

                 

                 "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those

                 

                 cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

                Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say,

                 

                 "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

                I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."



                 



                 


                 


             

             

         

         

         

         

         

     

 

 

 

53

The Coffee Shop / No one believes seniors

« on: July 27, 2010, 09:42:28 pm »

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

            An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you Sally."

            On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

            The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

            The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

54

The Coffee Shop / More Maxine

« on: July 13, 2010, 06:07:06 am »

Maxine on "Driver Safety"

      "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......






      Maxine on "Lawn Care"

      "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."






      Maxine on "The Perfect Man"

      "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away..

      Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."






      Maxine on "Technology Revolution"

      "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."






      Maxine on "Aging"

      "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

55

The Coffee Shop / My private part died

« on: July 12, 2010, 07:58:44 am »

MY PRIVATE PART
DIED



An old
man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing
home.

One day he
appeared to be very sad and
depressed.

Nurse
Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes,
Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr.
Wallace.

'My
Private Part died today, and I am very
sad.'

Knowing
her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.
Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The
following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his
pajamas.

He met
Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't
be walking down the hall like
that.

Please put
your Private Part back inside your
pajamas.'

'But,
Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
yesterday that my Private Part
died.

'Yes,'
said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is
it hanging out of your
pajamas?'


'Well,'
he replied, 'Today is the
viewing.'

56

The Coffee Shop / Cow, Ant and old Fart

« on: July 12, 2010, 07:55:45 am »

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
> >>
> >>
> >> A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of
> >> the
> >> three of them.
> >>
> >> The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the
> >> greatest!!
> >>
> >> The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times
> >> my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
> >>

57

The Coffee Shop / The Goldberg brothers

« on: July 05, 2010, 06:28:49 pm »

            The  four Goldberg  Brothers


            The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented  and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was  97 degrees.

            The four brothers walked into old man, Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into  telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most  exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

            Henry was curious and invited them into  his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

            They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the  car off immediately.

            The old man got very excited  and invited them back to the office, where he offered  them $3 million for the patent.

            The brothers  refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but  they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car  in which it was installed.

            Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no  way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

            They haggled back and forth for about two  hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just  their first names would be shown.

            And so to this  day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and  Max -- on the controls.



            I can hear your groans from here.   Control yourself !!!
              I don't write this  stuff, I just forward it.










--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 9.0.830 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/2974 - Release Date: 06/30/10 13:38:00

Reply
      
Forward
      
      
Your message has been sent.
 
Reply
 
|
BOB KEPHART
 to rcarolkw, lraeb27, Debby, bob.webb, Shirley, Bill
   
show details 5:24 PM (2 minutes ago)
   
- Show quoted text -







            The  four Goldberg  Brothers


            The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented  and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was  97 degrees.

            The four brothers walked into old man, Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into  telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most  exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

            Henry was curious and invited them into  his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

            They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the  car off immediately.

            The old man got very excited  and invited them back to the office, where he offered  them $3 million for the patent.

            The brothers  refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but  they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car  in which it was installed.

            Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no  way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

            They haggled back and forth for about two  hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just  their first names would be shown.

            And so to this  day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and  Max -- on the controls.



            I can hear your groans from here.   Control yourself !!!
              I don't write this  stuff, I just forward it.

58

The Coffee Shop / Catholic shampoo

« on: July 05, 2010, 06:27:07 pm »

WHILE SHOPPING IN A FOOD STORE, TWO NUNS HAPPEN TO PASS BY
          THE BEER COOLER.  ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL  BEER
          OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING."

          THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,"INDEED IT WOULD SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
          COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER AS I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE
          CHECKOUT STAND."

          "I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" SHE REPLIED AS SHE
          PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

          THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A
          SIX-PACK OF BEER.  "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID,  "A
          SHAMPOO, OF SORT, IF YOU WILL."

          WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE
          COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.  HE THEN
          LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED AND SAID, "THE CURLERS ARE ON
          THE  HOUSE."

59

The Coffee Shop / Why men are not depressed

« on: June 21, 2010, 09:06:39 am »

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

    Men Are Just Happier People--      >Your last name stays put.
    >The garage is all yours.
    >Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    >Chocolate is just another snack.
    >You can never be pregnant.
    >Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    >The world is your urinal.
    >You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
    >too icky.
    >You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    >Same work, more pay.
    >Wrinkles add character.
    >People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    >New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    One mood all the time.

    Phone conversations are over in
    >30 seconds flat.
    >You know stuff about tanks and engines.
    >A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    >You can open all your own jars.

    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    >

    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    >Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    >You never have strap problems in public.
    >You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    >Everything on your face stays its original colour.
    >The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life.
    >One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
    >You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    >You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
    >
    >
    >You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
    >
    >
    >No wonder men are happier.

   

60

The Coffee Shop / The bathtub test

« on: June 12, 2010, 09:58:53 am »

The Bathtub Test



               During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
              Or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

              "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
              Teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

              "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
              Because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

              "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
              Near the window?"

              ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON . OR DO YOU WANT THE
              BED NEXT TO MINE?