Topics

346

The Coffee Shop / When a male has had enough

« on: December 29, 2011, 11:28:40 am »

I saw the attatched picture and just had to laugh, but I will say "Sorry Ladies" now before they see the picture entitled "When a male has had enough"

347

The Coffee Shop / as promised "Technical Support - Male"

« on: December 21, 2011, 01:27:28 pm »

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and
Playboy6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for
several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0
at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems
detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled
with FreeSxPlus and Cleanhouse2010.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2010, but there
could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2010, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself !!

348

The Coffee Shop / Christmas Turkey Recipe

« on: December 20, 2011, 03:55:24 pm »

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.  (see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...

Picture Below

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your sprouts be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Christmas

349

The Coffee Shop / My Ex Wife - The Pilot

« on: December 20, 2011, 03:42:38 pm »

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.
Thank God our kids were with me this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

350

The Coffee Shop / Technical Support - Female (Tech Support - Male to follow soon)

« on: December 20, 2011, 01:54:54 pm »

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket
3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
-- ----------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should
automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring
Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not
a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

351

Pattern Requests. / Pattern Design

« on: December 17, 2011, 01:56:00 pm »

This is a Christmas Tree Decoration design I have made using CorelDraw - Any thoughts and comments please ??

352

The Coffee Shop / Anniversary Wishes

« on: December 16, 2011, 03:34:39 pm »

With all the jokes I've read here I thought you might like to share one of mine - I had to hunt to find a clean one though 

 Anniversary wishes  
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
 
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
 
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.
 
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for The Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
 Then it was the husband's turn.
 
He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
 
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.......So
the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.
 
The moral of the story:
 
Men who are ungrateful pigs

should remember fairies are female 

353

The Coffee Shop / Appologies

« on: December 13, 2011, 03:30:25 am »

I think I offended somebody (no names mentioned) with my "kiwi fruit picture", this was put on in fun and in no way meant to offend anyone. I appologise for any offence caused and have deleted the offending article.

354

Brag Forum / tree ornament

« on: December 12, 2011, 01:50:05 pm »

Had call from my daughter yesterday morning, she wanted a religous ornament to hang from her xmas tree, this is what i found and made.

355

The Coffee Shop / AGE TEST

« on: December 10, 2011, 04:36:23 pm »

Follow these simple instructions for your personal age test....

1.   First pick the number of times you would like to go out to eat ?more  than 1 but less than 10

2.   Multiply this number by two, just to be bold.

3.   Add 5

4.   Multiply it by 50.

5.   If you have already had your birthday this year add 1761,  if you        haven?t  then add 1760

6.   Now subtract the 4 digit year that you were born

7.   You should now have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week) The next two numbers are your age!!!

356

Brag Forum / my bits

« on: November 30, 2011, 07:26:27 pm »

I havent done much scroll saw work yet, but thought you might like to see what else I get up to, there is a working oil lamp and some celtic knot pens I made on my lathe. I'll post some of my scrolled bits as I make them.

357

The Coffee Shop / A thought to help all you newbies like me

« on: November 30, 2011, 07:11:35 pm »

Just follow the instructions in the picture !!!!

358

The Coffee Shop / latest project

« on: November 30, 2011, 03:59:39 pm »

I've just finished my latest porject and thought I would post picture here for you to evaluate, I have a woodturning craft fair coming up and will take my few scrolled bits with me too, anyone like to give me a price estimate for the clock?

359

General Scroll Saw Talk / Info on EX-16

« on: November 30, 2011, 03:41:33 pm »

Does anyone know how reliable the air blower bellows on the Excalibur EX-16 is? The bellows on my machine at present, a "Clarke" cheap and nasty lol, lasts for about 4 blades use then splits, I've been buying bellows in 20's. which is another reason I'm changing my machine.

360

Pattern Requests. / Do you think I can do it?

« on: November 30, 2011, 03:07:03 pm »

15th January will be the first anniversary of mum's passing.I wouls like to make something special for dad, do you think either of the attatched pictures could be turned into a pattern for a plaque? and if so can anyone help with the making of a pattern?  Lastly, as someone fairly new to this and never attempted making a plaque before , do you think I could make it or am I being too ambitious too soon? Please be honest about the last question as if I do it I want to make a decent job of it for dad. thanks in advance for any help.