Topics

301

The Coffee Shop / Our Yearly Dementia Test

« on: March 22, 2012, 04:28:01 pm »

Newfie's comment on another post reminded me of this one, enjoy tour test .



It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your faculties compare to the last test..
Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty..  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer..   OK, relax, clear your mind and begin..


1.. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: 'bread..' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.... Try not to hurt yourself..

If you said, bread, go to Question 2..



2..   Say 'silk' five times.. Now spell 'silk..' What do cows drink?





Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3..



3.. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass..   If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4..



4..   It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany )..  Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany ...... Where would you bury the survivors?   East Germany, West Germany,  or no man's land'?





Answer: You don't bury survivors.. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question....



5.. Without using a  calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales..   In London, 17 people get on the bus.. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.. In  Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.. You then arrive at Milford Haven   ......


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?





Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age?   It was YOU driving the bus!!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you..

302

The Coffee Shop / New Mexico Chili Cookoff

« on: March 21, 2012, 04:05:06 pm »

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. 
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .


Frank:  ?Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off..  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.?


 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S "MANIAC MONSTER" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild. 
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.


 


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S "AFTERBURNER" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


 


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE BARN" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick. 
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


 


CHILI # 4-- BUBBA'S "BLACK MAGIC"
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?


 


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S "LEGAL LIP REMOVER"
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.


 


CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S "VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY"
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb. 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


 


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S "SCREAMING SENSATION" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


 


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S "TOENAIL CURLING" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella.  Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

303

The Coffee Shop / BRAIN STUDY

« on: March 21, 2012, 03:54:59 pm »

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15 ..

304

The Coffee Shop / The Turkey Story.

« on: March 19, 2012, 02:40:21 pm »

   This is the story of a couple who have been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn?t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

   The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs fast asleep, she looks at the bowl where she had put the turkey?s innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

   Some time later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting and a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing; tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.

   About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit the inside of her lip and asked him what was the matter. He Said ?Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn?t listen to you?
?What do you mean??  asked the wife. ?Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But??.by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.?

305

Brag Forum / VW Camper

« on: March 18, 2012, 01:03:24 pm »

After I cut Paul's pattern of a VW Camper van I was askes by a neighbour who saw it to make him one, but he said he was ordering a pattern from the USA. A picture of the resulting work is attatched. It has not been sanded and finished yet, it was my first ever use of spiral blades, they arent the easiest to use and boy do they leave a lot of little furries to sand off.

306

Brag Forum / 3 days work on my new saw.

« on: March 17, 2012, 12:18:42 pm »

Well it looks like Axminster came through, I'm now on my 6th saw and it's working perfectly. They never managed to sort out the EX16, either too much vibration or way too much North/South and East/West blade movement. They upgraded me to an EX21 free of charge. It was too long to fit my workbench where the 16 used to be, so I have utilised an old bandsaw stand untill the correct tables come in stock. I still have a slight north/south blade movement but only approx 1mm , it not causing any problems with the cutting except on really tight turns when it makes the wood shake a little.I have now cut 7 items on it and there isnt a mark on the table surface, the old saws were getting scratched to hell as I had to hold down the wood so hard to stop it jumping around all over the place where the blade was out of alignment. I have attatched picture of a few bits made on the new saw over the last three days.

307

The Coffee Shop / Old Timers Sex (clean)

« on: March 16, 2012, 05:50:21 am »

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!


The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

308

The Coffee Shop / Amazing Grace

« on: March 15, 2012, 04:37:17 am »

Check out this little girl singing Amazing Grace,she is just 7 and sings brilliantly.

http://www.godvine.com/7-Year-Old-Sings-an-Absolutely-Beautiful-Version-of-Amazing-Grace-37.html

309

Brag Forum / My attempt at Daliclimbs Eagle

« on: March 11, 2012, 06:32:03 pm »

I have just finished cutting this eagle (Thanks for the pattern, Daliclimbs.) it's only leaning against a black background at the min, but I have a 4mm birch ply backer plate stained with a dark brown dye to fit to it then it's going in a frame.

310

General Scroll Saw Talk / EX21 Stand

« on: March 11, 2012, 02:19:06 pm »

Can anyone tell me the dimensions of the proper stand for the EX21? especially the height please.

311

The Coffee Shop / Gardening with Grandma

« on: March 09, 2012, 05:32:31 pm »

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes..

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!
 

312

The Coffee Shop / Men DO remember Anniversaries

« on: March 09, 2012, 05:17:28 pm »

A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table

with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye

and takes a sip of his coffee!!!!

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee:
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey'... she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in
the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today'

313

The Coffee Shop / Computer Tech for Country Folk - Part 2.

« on: March 06, 2012, 05:29:03 am »

As promised Part 2.

314

The Coffee Shop / Computer Technology For Country Folk.

« on: March 06, 2012, 05:27:14 am »

For those of you who struggle with computer technology the folloeing explainations should help you a little.  (Part 2 to follow)

315

Brag Forum / A Few More Bits

« on: March 05, 2012, 04:00:53 am »

As promised here are a few more bits made on dads 20yr old "Clarkes" scrollsaw, it's about as basic as a saw can get, but for ?45 about $65 back then it cuts perfectly, 100% better than my EX16, but hopefully that will change when I get it sorted. The round tuit was obviously made on the lathe.