301
The Coffee Shop / RedNeck Terlit!
« on: November 16, 2012, 10:59:39 pm »
Wow!
News: Had a couple issues with the forum today. 1/19/2017. I believe I have them corrected now. Let me know if you have any trouble. Thanks.
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302
The Coffee Shop / The New Addition....
« on: November 16, 2012, 05:57:49 am »
When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too.
If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too.
If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
303
The Coffee Shop / Hey Guys..........
« on: November 15, 2012, 08:40:32 pm »
Do YOU have a REAL friend?
304
The Coffee Shop / Fallen!
« on: November 15, 2012, 06:45:25 pm »
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week."
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week."
305
The Coffee Shop / Holy Crap!
« on: November 13, 2012, 09:24:21 pm »
I just noticed that I have passed the 6,000 post plateau!!!
~~~GB~~~
~~~GB~~~
306
The Coffee Shop / OOOOPS!!!!!!
« on: November 12, 2012, 09:29:01 pm »
A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"
308
The Coffee Shop / Teddy Bears!
« on: November 12, 2012, 01:04:02 pm »
Teddy Bears
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
312
The Coffee Shop / The FLAT tire....read carefully!
« on: November 12, 2012, 10:52:30 am »
Final Exam
Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
313
General Scroll Saw Talk / Hot Deal!
« on: November 12, 2012, 10:32:45 am »
Tyler Tool is a division of CPO ind. - a great supplier...
http://www.tylertool.com/dremel-sm20-02-saw-max-tool-kit/drlnsm20-02,default,pd.html?ref=em20121112&cyEMAIL=grampedstl@yahoo.com
~~~GB~~~
http://www.tylertool.com/dremel-sm20-02-saw-max-tool-kit/drlnsm20-02,default,pd.html?ref=em20121112&cyEMAIL=grampedstl@yahoo.com
~~~GB~~~
314
General Scroll Saw Talk / Check this from Peachtree......
« on: November 09, 2012, 10:41:28 pm »315
The Coffee Shop / New Medical Diagnostic Machine....
« on: November 09, 2012, 04:46:48 pm »
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
