Topics

286

The Coffee Shop / Redneck joke

« on: May 17, 2012, 06:29:37 pm »

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

287

Pattern Requests. / Cornwall Air Ambulance

« on: May 14, 2012, 04:06:37 am »

Paul, is there any chance you can work your "Pattern Magic" on the attatched picture please? thanks in advance

Keith.

288

The Coffee Shop / Medication

« on: April 29, 2012, 04:45:05 am »

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyse myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
 
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones, which I use a lot,
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
 
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke, or even sneeze
 
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, so big and bright,
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
 
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what i'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go.

289

The Coffee Shop / Lost my Grandma

« on: April 29, 2012, 04:43:20 am »

The computer swallowed Grandma
Yes, honestly, it's true.
She pressed Control and Enter
And disappeared from view.
 
It devoured completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have cought a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
 
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the internet
But nothing did I find
 
In desperation I then asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found on line
 
So if inside your inbox
My Grandma you should see,
Please Copy, Scan and Paste her,
And send her back to me.

290

Brag Forum / Been busy again

« on: April 19, 2012, 02:43:12 pm »

I have just finished a cross, the centre reads "Faith" one way and "Hope" the other way.  Picture is in the gallery.

291

The Coffee Shop / The Irish Funeral

« on: April 12, 2012, 01:47:19 pm »

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
 
 
 

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?"
 
 
 
"My wife's."
 
 
 
''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
 

The man answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
 

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
 

"Can I borrow the dog?"
 

The man replied, "Get in line."

292

The Coffee Shop / Blind Cashier

« on: April 12, 2012, 01:32:34 pm »

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shops to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.



The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to
him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.
Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."



She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor.



"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up
and accidentally farts.



At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around?



The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"



He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." She paid it and left without saying
a word.....     

293

Brag Forum / Steve's "Fisherman"

« on: April 12, 2012, 10:13:28 am »

Just finished Steve's Fisherman, I printed out a picture of the moon and stuck it in place then printed out an evening sky just as the sun has gone down, then copied and reversed it to give the water and a reflection of the lighter sky. I think it looks ok, but what do you think? (Pic in gallery)

294

The Coffee Shop / The Sparrow

« on: April 11, 2012, 03:03:07 pm »

One bitterly cold winter a sparrow who had spent two nights in the scant shelter of a tree decided he could not spend another night there. So off he flew to search for better shelter.   As he flew he got colder and colder, until finally his little wings froze solid and he plummeted helplessly to the ground.   As he lay freezing he realised the end of his life was nigh and he prayed for death to come quickly.  Suddenly, in his semi-conscious state, he had the feeling of being enveloped in a warm covering.    As he regained consciousness he discovered a passing cow had made a luxurious deposit all over him.  His new lease of life and the comfortable warmth made him so happy he started to sing.
A passing pussycat heard the chirping, carefully removed the excrement to reveal the happy little sparrow - and promptly ate it.



There are three morals to this tale.  Firstly, If someone s***s on you they are not necessarily your enemy.  Secondly, If someone gets you out of the s**t they are not necessarily your friend.
Thirdly, If you are in the s**t, keep your mouth shut.

295

The Coffee Shop / I'm Tired.

« on: April 11, 2012, 02:51:00 pm »

   Yes, I'm tired.  For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life really is worth living.


But I find out it aint that.

I'm tired because I'M overworked.

The population of this country is 51 million, 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school. That leaves 11 million to do the work, of this total 2 million are unemployed, and 4 million are employed by the government.     That leaves 5 million to do the work.   One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.   From that total 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving one million to do the work.   There are 62.000 people in hospitals and 937.998 in prisons.

That leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and Me.

And you are sitting on your arse reading this.

No wonder I'm bloody tired.

296

Brag Forum / Cornwall Air Ambulance

« on: April 06, 2012, 11:07:59 am »

I am doing a craft fair next month in aid of Cornwall Air Ambulance, so I made this for them to raffle off to raise funds (Picture is in gallery.) I made three as a stack cut, so I will sell the other 2 and donate the cast to the Air Ambulance. Any Idea's on what price to put on them?

297

The Coffee Shop / a song for the older people

« on: April 05, 2012, 05:05:29 pm »

check out this song "Green side of the Grass"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dbBfXCMbH4&feature=related

298

Brag Forum / First Communion Cross

« on: April 05, 2012, 07:36:10 am »

I have just posted a picture in the gallery of a "First Communion Cross" it has not been finished yet, I have only just finished cutting it. It needs to be sanded then I need to decide if i want to leave it the colour it is or put a light stain on it. Your thoughts all welcome on that

299

The Coffee Shop / A Dog and Cats Diary

« on: April 04, 2012, 03:02:45 pm »

Dog?s Diary.

8.00am      -    Dog food! My Favourite thing!
9.30am      -    A car ride! My Favourite thing!
9.40am      -    A walk in the park! My Favourite thing!
10.30am   -   Got rubbed and petted!  My Favourite thing!
12.00pm   -   Milk bones! My Favourite thing!
1.00pm       -   Played in the yard! My Favourite thing!
3.00pm   -   Wagged my tail! My Favourite thing!
5.00pm   -   Dinner! My Favourite thing!
7.00pm   -   Got to play ball! My Favourite thing!
8.00pm   -   Wow! Watched TV with the people! My Favourite thing!
11.00pm   -   Sleeping on the bed! My Favourite thing!





Cat?s Diary.

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear. I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since this clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ?good little hunter? I am,  Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However I could hear noises and smell the food. I overheard my confinement was due to the power of ?allergies? I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe?..for now.

300

Brag Forum / Eagle and an Owl

« on: March 24, 2012, 04:00:25 pm »

I have just finished another Eagle from daliclimbs pattern, but left it attatched to the outer piece of ply, so I can frame it as one piece. I also finished cutting an owl for my grandaughters birthday.