Topics

181

The Coffee Shop / Chevy volt?

« on: July 17, 2011, 01:48:23 am »

Take a look at the report in the link.
Personally I think I'll pass. Read that as: They can't run fast enough to give me one!
Or I'll take 2 one to c**p in and the other to cover it up with. What a joke on the taxpayer.
Gabby
http://www.cato.org/pub_display.php?pub_id=12892

182

The Coffee Shop / Cowboy story, must be true then right?

« on: July 16, 2011, 11:59:07 pm »

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.  He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
 
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.  When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
 
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs.  All the regulars take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
 
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains.  'It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.'
 
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

183

The Coffee Shop / Dry in Texas?

« on: July 15, 2011, 12:14:05 am »

How DRY IS It in Texas ??


 

Out of 255 counties in Texas 244 are under a burn ban.


A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens
crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!
 
 

 

184

The Coffee Shop / Popularity indicator

« on: July 11, 2011, 04:31:17 am »

If the number of views of the mugshots in the gallery is any indication,
Katie and Marion are the hands down winners.
Must be their razor sharp wit, cant think of any other reason!   

Gabby

185

The Coffee Shop / Children are quick

« on: July 09, 2011, 05:43:30 pm »

Just for you Katie. LOL
Gabby

Children Are Quick
____________________________________


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
-- ------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

186

Brag Forum / Enough fabric or Friends

« on: July 06, 2011, 01:34:55 am »

Well I've finally got all the cutting done on the Boss' Belated Birthday Gift over a month late already. Now to decide on whether to stain or not, and what backing to use. I'm thinking of stealing some of her fabric  and gluing it to the backer board.
I'm in deep stuff already might as well learn how to swim. LOL

There is a saying that goes:

"If they don't get it when they want it,
they'll want it when they get it!"  

I'm a great believer in that!
Just in case no one remembers what I'm cutting for her, I've attached the pattern. I believe it's one from Grampa. Oh and it's 3/4" Oak.
Gabby

187

The Coffee Shop / Drive Thru Confessional

« on: July 04, 2011, 12:09:35 am »

Just got this one, FUNNY
Gabby

Drive-Thru Confessional
-------------------------

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

188

The Coffee Shop / humor

« on: July 03, 2011, 02:25:25 am »

 
             Lemon Squeeze

            There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
            the   confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
            The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face'

Looks of Disappointment   
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful? 'The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little ba****ds!'

Marriage Humour
Wife: ?What are you doing??
Husband: ?Nothing.?
Wife: ?Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune? ''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are Husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Now let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

   

189

The Coffee Shop / Probably One of the all time best voices, and it comes from a 10 year old!

« on: June 27, 2011, 04:13:58 am »

I still get goose bumps listening to her. Even if you aren't into classical music give her a listen.
It's worth it!
Gabby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVGrcy8wQHk

190

The Coffee Shop / And one more

« on: June 27, 2011, 03:58:31 am »

Jeff Dunham great comedy ventriloquist. All his characters will leave you in stitches.
Gabby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXOg23pGeA

191

The Coffee Shop / Another Video

« on: June 27, 2011, 03:53:07 am »

Terry Fator what a ventriloquist, & impersonator. If you didn't see him a couple of years ago on America's Got Talent, you have missed out!
Enjoy,
Gabby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbFNwGr2Xm0&feature=fvsr

192

General Scroll Saw Talk / cskipper

« on: June 21, 2011, 03:09:44 am »

I've never come across any posts by this person, must be way too busy making beautiful items from wood. He / she has reason to be proud of their accomplishments.
Check out the gallery.

Gabby

193

The Coffee Shop / Joke time

« on: June 19, 2011, 03:28:00 am »

One grin guaranteed!     See I told you so.
Gabby

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and S***head's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
So  I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing  up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas.. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?



10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes,  make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days  I've stayed alive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

19. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.

20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

21. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
     "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

194

The Coffee Shop / Revenge

« on: June 19, 2011, 02:20:17 am »

JEWISH REVENGE

 


                          A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The
                         first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife
                         of a wealthy plantation owner:
                         
                          "Dear Captain,
                         
                          Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to
                          send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress
                          uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00pm, for an
                          evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers,
                          as they will be the escorts of refined young ladies.
                         
                          One last point: No Jews please."
                         
                          Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
                         
                          Madam,
                         
                               Thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible
                          knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and
                          most prized officers, all unmarried.
                         
                               One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
                          additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. He
                          is a current Chairman at a Toastmasters Chapter.
                         
                              The second is a Lieutenant, a helicopter pilot, and a graduate of
                          Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BSC in Aeronautical Engineering.
                          He has a Masters Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering
                          and is also an astronaut candidate.
                         
                              The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
                          systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification
                          on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
                         
                              The fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ships doctor, with
                          an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical
                          degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him,
                          as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.
                         
                              Upon receiving this letter, Melindas mother was quite excited and looked
                          forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four
                          handsome and highly-qualified naval officers; and the other women in her
                          social circle would be insanely jealous.

 
                              At precisely 8pm on Thursday, Melinda's mother answered a knock on the
                          door to find, in smart dress uniform, four handsome, smiling officers all black.
                         
                          Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There
                          must be some mistake."
                         
                          "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

 

 ;

195

The Coffee Shop / A Marine story.

« on: June 19, 2011, 02:05:18 am »

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   

5th Grade Class Assignment

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.


"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
     
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
     
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."