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Topics - GrayBeard

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1696
The Coffee Shop / The "Bacon Tree"!
« on: June 07, 2010, 09:20:05 pm »
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees

 
Ees

 
Ees

 
Ees


Ees a ham bush...."

1697
The Coffee Shop / The "Rookie Mistake" ......
« on: June 07, 2010, 04:00:26 pm »
turned out OK. Took it to the picnic today and it was graciously accepted and awarded to the picnic Chairperson for the wonderful job they did putting on the picnic.

Personally I was scared to death they were going to award it to me for 'grilling' hot dogs and hamburgers for 60 people.
Good time had by all and I am hot, sweaty, tired and very satisfied!

"N A P   T I M E !"

1698
Ask Steve a question. / Files?
« on: June 06, 2010, 03:30:39 pm »
How about a place to upload FILES...

Like the Diagrams and Parts lists for saws, etc.???

Will the software let you make a repository like that Steve?

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1699
General Scroll Saw Talk / 788 Tension adjustment!
« on: June 06, 2010, 03:26:04 pm »
They must not test the new saw very thoroughly...

I had to get into mine and turn that 'tension rod' four full turns to get tension on the blade.
Started out running at about 3/4's position and ended up this morning I couldn't get enough with it cranked all the way.

Now about 3 1/2 and she's singing a pretty note!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1700
The Coffee Shop / Women who KNOW their Place!
« on: June 06, 2010, 12:04:26 pm »

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,

"Land Mines."

1701
The Coffee Shop / Senior Moment!
« on: June 06, 2010, 09:57:08 am »
Two elderly women were sitting outside the local coffee shop talking....

Hilda...
"Lately I have been feeling lethargic, listless and apathetic and if I stand up too quickly I get very dizzy!"

Bertha...
"My daughter tells me she has to smoke at least two joints to feel like that!"

<rimshot>

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1702
The Coffee Shop / Remember, "Women's Lib?"
« on: June 06, 2010, 09:50:51 am »
 A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,
"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the very back of the room came a male voice,

"He'd be in the Garden of Eden, eating strawberries."

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1703
General Scroll Saw Talk / Stupid ROOKIE mistake!!!
« on: June 05, 2010, 05:37:27 pm »
I can't believe I just did that!!!

Ever happen to you???
.
Nice piece just finished staining a nice dark Walnut and letting it dry.
Back out to the shop after a cold drink of lemonade.
Two spray cans sitting side by side both say SATIN!!!
Grab Spray can of 'satin finish'.

Press nozzle...WHITE satin finish enamel!!!!!!

Time to quit for the day and get a cold beer!!!!!

Stupid Rookie Misteak!!!

1704
The Coffee Shop / They are in and connected!
« on: June 05, 2010, 01:41:50 pm »
New video card and awesome speakers!

22" Hi-res monitor, nice set of Phillips speakers with sub-woofer.

Great sight and sound!

Now I can read the screen without my glasses and hear the music without my hearing aid of course the windows rattle when I play the dixieland and jazz CD's!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1705
The Coffee Shop / HillBilly Mirror!
« on: June 05, 2010, 12:14:37 pm »
After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

'How about that! Here's a picture of my Daddy.

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his Daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his Father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would  go there and look at it.


His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

'So that's the ugly broad he's runnin' around with.'

1706
The Coffee Shop / I better get off here!
« on: June 04, 2010, 09:24:08 pm »
and go watch the Cardinal game!

I'm flakier than usual tonight and may get myself in a heap of trouble!

Feeling kinda 'kooky' since I got the news that my new 'bridgework' is only gonna cost me $1,500 bucks! and I was expecting almost twice that.....

But then I will be able to chew like a human again and not like a 'bunny'....

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1707
The Coffee Shop / Auto "Censor"!
« on: June 04, 2010, 09:17:51 pm »
What happens when, I take my assistant to the country for some bass fishing?
We anchored the boat near the dam and then afterwards we went into the woods after some blackberries and we got pricked by the thorns. It got dark and we looked up and saw Casseopia in the heavens but a hellacious storm came up, we got soaked and since we were wearing white shorts we were embarrassed to go into anyplace to dry off.

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1708
The Coffee Shop / C'mon Folks!!!
« on: June 04, 2010, 12:49:14 pm »
With over 1,000 members I surely can't be the only one who gets 'funnies' in my mail!

If you get a story that you think everyone will enjoy please put it here!

We ALL need a chuckle, giggle or a hearty belly laugh every now and then.

Laughter really IS the best medicine.
Medically proven that merriment relieves stress and lowers blood pressure! (honest)

When you're laughing you can't be hurtin'!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1709
The Coffee Shop / The "ER" nurse and the Cop! <PG-13>
« on: June 04, 2010, 11:16:55 am »
A  motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was  well.
 
However,  the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his  crotch.
  
Worried  that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about  it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he  could look at what was making him so  uncomfortable.
  
Taped  firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of  adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--- if at  all.
 
Written  in large black letters was the sentence:  'Get well soon.....from the  nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last  week.'

Kinda  brings tears to your eyes doesn't  it

1710
General Scroll Saw Talk / Interesting "Joint" making system....
« on: June 04, 2010, 09:49:07 am »
Received this today from "Peachtree Woodworking"...

Beyond my scope but thought some of you might be interested...

http://www.ptreeusa.com/edirect_060310.htm

~~~GrayBeard~~~

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