Topics

1681

The Coffee Shop / Little Melissa....

« on: June 11, 2010, 08:17:44 pm »

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'


'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.


'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.


'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.


And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'


Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'


'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open,





the Marines could shoot the B@$&%@#.'

1682

The Coffee Shop / Scuba Divers....

« on: June 11, 2010, 08:14:40 pm »

  An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:

  "Why do Scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?"
 

To which the Newfoundlander Replies:

  "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the Friggin' BOAT."

1683

The Coffee Shop / IF you marry a woman from New York....

« on: June 11, 2010, 05:50:13 pm »

The first man married a woman from Florida . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,
but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Michigan..He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New York. He ordered her to
keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,
and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by
the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he
could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has
some difficulty when he urinates.

1684

The Coffee Shop / Classes for WOMEN!

« on: June 11, 2010, 05:43:01 pm »

 
 Classes for Women at

MIDLAND COLLEGE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by  MONDAY, August 3, 2010
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM...

 
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours..

 
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

 
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations..
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

1685

The Coffee Shop / Retirees' Bar!

« on: June 11, 2010, 05:37:06 pm »

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in The Villages, Florida .
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
'What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.
In short order the bartender serves up four iced martinis.
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.
Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the  bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from INDIANA waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1686

The Coffee Shop / Did you hear....

« on: June 11, 2010, 03:00:25 pm »

about the guy driving the really ratty looking beat up car.

He went to cross a Toll Bridge and the tolltaker said, "$2.50"

The guy driving said...."SOLD"!

1687

The Coffee Shop / And there was the guy....

« on: June 11, 2010, 02:58:10 pm »

who told his friend...

" I got a new car for my wife."

Friend asked..."How the heck did you make a deal like that?"

<rimshot>

1688

The Coffee Shop / Two Peanuts.....

« on: June 11, 2010, 02:56:24 pm »

Two peanuts walked into a biker bar and one was a salted!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1689

The Coffee Shop / Catholic Education....

« on: June 10, 2010, 02:12:14 pm »

 
For all of us who went to Catholic School and for those of you who didn't -
This is a great teacher!!!
I'll bet no one goes to sleep in her class!! Enjoy!!!!
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7Jrh_uuPmd0

Watch this one and then go to some of the others and you will laugh til you wet your knickers!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1690

The Coffee Shop / "The Field Trip"....<PG13>

« on: June 09, 2010, 08:01:26 pm »

 The "Field Trip"
 
 
 *A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
 teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
 Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
 (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
 
 
 *When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
 that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
 other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens
 room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
 reach the urinal.
 
 *Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
 and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding onto their
 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
 
 *As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
 well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,
 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
 
'No, ma'am', he replied.
 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
 but I appreciate your help.'*

<rimshot!>

1691

The Coffee Shop / No Comment....Just WATCH!

« on: June 09, 2010, 06:59:21 pm »

For my fellow U.S. citizens....

http://www.breitbart.tv/former-marine-stuns-crowd-at-georgia-tea-party-event/

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1692

The Coffee Shop / Hellman's Mayonnaise!

« on: June 09, 2010, 01:31:45 pm »

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to  New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.  The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT???
You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila after that don't you?

1693

The Coffee Shop / The Old German Shepard....

« on: June 09, 2010, 12:53:38 am »

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I am going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!


Moral of this story... 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

1694

The Coffee Shop / Bear Activity...

« on: June 08, 2010, 12:10:02 pm »

Sign at a Campground in British Columbia, Canada...

W A R N I N G !

Due to the frequency of human-Bear encounters the British Columbia Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising, hikers, hunters, fishermen and others that use the outdoors in a recreational or work related manner to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear small but noisy bells on the clothing so as to alert bears that are close by so that you do not 'take them by surprise'.
We further advise that you carry 'pepper spray' in case of a close encounter with a bear.

OUtdoorsmen should also be on the lookout for recent bear activity and be able to tell the difference between Black Bear feces and Grizzly Bear feces.
Black bear feces is smaller and contains evidence of berries.
Grizzly Bear crap on the other hand is larger, contains small bells and smells like pepper!

British Columbia Fish and Wildlife Branch

1695

The Coffee Shop / Teaching children via Fairy Tales....

« on: June 08, 2010, 10:23:49 am »

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said, 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!"

The teacher had to leave the room.