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Topics - GrayBeard

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1666
The Coffee Shop / The Broken Lawnmower....
« on: June 16, 2010, 11:40:06 pm »
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

1667
General Scroll Saw Talk / 788 rookie question....Blade Clamp, upper
« on: June 16, 2010, 12:55:05 am »
The upper blade holder has two screws that hold it to the oscillating arms.
How much play (slop) should there be in the blade clamp with relation to the two arms?

My blade clamp actually is able to move side to side about a 32nd of an inch.
Seems to me this is too loose.
Can't find anything in the parts sheet or the silly little instruction book that came with the saw so here I am!

Should those screws be snug or have some play???

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1668
The Coffee Shop / Pet FISH!!!!
« on: June 15, 2010, 10:22:36 pm »


 

 

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.   He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'  'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.  After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. .............

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north

1669
The Coffee Shop / The 'Story of Life" in just a few words.....
« on: June 15, 2010, 06:42:07 pm »
Inside every 'older' person is a YOUNG person wondering "What the %$#@ Happened?"

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1670
Pattern Requests. / Sincere THANKS....
« on: June 15, 2010, 12:27:14 pm »
to "grampa" for a great pattern for me to do!

Sent him the River City Rascals logo and now I have my afternoon's work set.

Thanks Again!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1671
The Coffee Shop / Interesting website....
« on: June 15, 2010, 12:03:48 pm »
The Gulf of Mexico Oil DISASTER....

Click on the link, enter your city or Zipcode and see what would happen if your home were the center of the OIL!!!

http://www.ifitwasmyhome.com/

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1672
General Scroll Saw Talk / Re-sizing images....
« on: June 15, 2010, 10:18:49 am »
I was looking for something and found this image resizing software that is FREE and on a glance looks like it is pretty straight forward.

http://www.bestfreewaredownload.com/freeware/t-free-faststone-photo-resizer-freeware-xhjfqmne.html

I downloaded and scanned for malware and other problems and it is clean.
Tried on a couple photos and worked very quickly and cleanly.

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1673
The Coffee Shop / For those who Love Children.....
« on: June 14, 2010, 02:03:11 am »
GOD's Wife...

The last story is a real GEM!  Enjoy!!!

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there..
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

An eyewitness account from New York
City, on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes...

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

*********************************************

SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.

1674
The Coffee Shop / Two LIttle Bous!
« on: June 13, 2010, 11:15:05 pm »
Sounds like my two!!!!!

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an ev en sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" 
 
The boy screamed and bolted from the room,
ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time," (I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

1675
General Scroll Saw Talk / Branding Iron from Rockler Woodworking!
« on: June 13, 2010, 10:02:58 am »
Just got this in my morning mail!

www.rockler.com/product.cfm?page=10369&utm_source=NL&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=V0766
For those of you interested in branding irons.

I had my fill of them as a kid when I spent summers with my aunt and uncle in Texas working on their ranch!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1676
The Coffee Shop / BillBoard.....
« on: June 12, 2010, 12:25:11 pm »
seen in rural Arkansas....

ILLITERATE?

Write For FREE HELP!

P.O. box 783, Little Rock, AR

1677
The Coffee Shop / "Catholic" Horses ! ! !
« on: June 12, 2010, 12:10:43 pm »
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, O'Brian noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--- won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, O'Brian watched with interest the old Priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the horses of the 5th race came to the starting gate the Priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

O'Brian made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.

O'Brian collected his winnings, and

anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless for the 6th race.

The Priest again blessed a horse.

O'Brian bet big on it, and it won. O'Brian was elated.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, O'Brian was pulling in some serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
O' Brian also observed the Priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

O'Brian knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then

watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

O'Brian, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings---all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

1678
The Coffee Shop / My "Living Will".....
« on: June 11, 2010, 09:04:34 pm »
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my delete list ...

1679
The Coffee Shop / C E L I B A C Y . . . . . . . .
« on: June 11, 2010, 08:28:01 pm »
What  is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife,
Diane, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that  husbands and wives know the things that are important to each  other.."
 
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your  wife's favorite flower?'
 
Fred leaned over, touched Diane?s arm gently, and whispered,
 
'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'
 
And thus began Fred?s life of celibacy..........

1680
The Coffee Shop / Teacher Arrested!!!
« on: June 11, 2010, 08:25:49 pm »
Date: Friday, December 4, 2009, 8:48 PM

FROM: Office of the Attorney General

A teacher was arrested today at John F.  Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said.

"They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

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