Topics

166

The Coffee Shop / In our back yard. "Ha-ha-ha-HAA-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha-HAA-ha!"

« on: December 06, 2011, 06:59:24 pm »

Ok I was on my way into the house from my shop when I heard this noise. Thump, thump, thump. Thump, thump, thump. Thump, thump, thump. So I looked up and right above the shop is this Red Headed Wood Pecker pecking away.  So I ran in, got my wife and her camera and this is what we caught. If you listen close you can hear the sound he is making and the pieces hitting the tin roof of my shop. Hope you enjoy.      
Red Head Wood Pecker

167

The Coffee Shop / Red Neck Fire Alarm

« on: December 05, 2011, 08:48:37 am »

Just couldn't resist. LMBO     

168

The Coffee Shop / Two Friends

« on: December 05, 2011, 08:02:34 am »

Two friends having a couple drinks, one pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from them and told his friend

"That's us in 10 years".

His friend said "That's a mirror, d!p-sh!t!  LMBO     

169

The Coffee Shop / Who did it?

« on: December 03, 2011, 07:26:42 am »

Ah so I see. Bad doggy. LMBO     

170

The Coffee Shop / Bar Joke

« on: December 01, 2011, 08:26:35 am »

I don't remember if this one has been posted but it gave me a laugh.

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

171

Brag Forum / Hot off the Printer & Saw

« on: November 29, 2011, 03:57:16 pm »

This is what I have been doing lately. Try to get some better pictures when I have more time.  

172

The Coffee Shop / I Wonder

« on: November 14, 2011, 09:35:39 am »

Hmmmmmm, I wonder if anyone will notice.   

173

The Coffee Shop / New Weight Loss Plan

« on: November 04, 2011, 09:04:30 am »

*** Read at your own risk ****


A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.   

           LMBO         

174

The Coffee Shop / STAIRS, a very sad story.

« on: November 03, 2011, 08:38:42 am »

    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
    sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
    After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
    elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
    75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and
    Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
    concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25
    flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
    tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill
    stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor
    Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will
    tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in
    the car!"  
      If I was Bill I would tell Jim, if you don't kill him I will.    LMBO

175

The Coffee Shop / TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE.

« on: November 02, 2011, 02:03:05 pm »

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.   
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?   
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life is too short and friends are too few!     

176

The Coffee Shop / Impossible to Please

« on: October 30, 2011, 05:04:22 pm »

I know I am going to catch it from the lady folk but I couldn't resist. 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."     

177

The Coffee Shop / Another Lawyer Joke

« on: October 30, 2011, 05:00:16 pm »

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.     

178

The Coffee Shop / Wal-Martians

« on: October 24, 2011, 09:00:33 pm »

Ok I know there have been posts on the people of Wal-Mart before but I ran across this video and I had to share.    LMBO

Warning: Not for the faint hearted.  (PG-13)  Some graphic material.

Wal-Martians

179

Brag Forum / Ghost with a Boo Mask

« on: October 21, 2011, 10:53:55 am »

Here is one from a pattern I designed the other day. It is a two piece pattern. I think it helps the mask stand out better. The stand is not attached, I just placed it in there for the photo.

180

Pattern Requests. / Ghost with a Boo Smile

« on: October 21, 2011, 09:48:37 am »

Here is a little pattern I made last night. Hope you enjoy.  

Boo 1 can be cut out and glued to a backer. Boo 2 can be cut out of a solid piece of BB.