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Topics - GrayBeard

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166
The Coffee Shop / Globalization explained.....
« on: April 22, 2013, 11:27:52 am »
What is the truest definition of  Globalization?
Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes
in a French tunnel,
riding in a
German
car
with a
Dutch engine,
driven
by a Belgian
who was
drunk
on
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),
followed
closely by
Italian
Paparazzi,
on
Japanese motorcycles,
treated
by an American doctor,
using
Brazilian
medicines.
This is
sent to you by
a
Canadian,
using
American
Bill Gates' technology,
and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,
that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and
a
Korean
monitor,
assembled
by
Bangladeshi
workers
in a
Singapore plant,
transported
by Indian
truck drivers,
hijacked
by Indonesians,
unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,
and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....


That, my friends,
is  Globalization ! 

167
The Coffee Shop / I need help....
« on: April 21, 2013, 03:58:05 pm »
While taking a vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little boy about six years old.

Looking up and down at his uniform, he asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.
...
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," he told him.

"Well, then," he said as he extended his foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe because i dunno how?"

And so the 'cop' does the deed and reinforces the image...

Some calls take priority.

168
The Coffee Shop / Wow....Great item for your lady friend!
« on: April 21, 2013, 01:47:20 am »
Get one for your Pistol Packing Momma!!!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Nhr8kG6PEOc?feature=player_detailpage

~~~GB~~~

169
The Coffee Shop / I am a BAD American....
« on: April 20, 2013, 10:52:04 pm »
I didn't write it and neither did Ted Nugent, George Carlin or Bill Cosby.
This appeared in a Forum back in 2000 and I agree with every premise!

~~~GB~~~

I like big trucks, big boats, big houses and, naturally, pretty women. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer any more than playing with toy cars makes you a race car driver.
I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might.

I think I'm doing better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others' expectations.

I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; just don't act like everyone else should have to.

I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As a matter of fact, if you are an American citizen, you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will.
Get over it!

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous comment.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed.

I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word "is" - ever.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, government-sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or anything else, while the indigenous peoples can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it.

I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.

I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.

I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.

Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.

I don't hate the rich. I help the poor.

I know wrestling is fake.

I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. So, please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots - and remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too. It was wrong for every one of them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jesse Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function. The same goes for Al Sharpton!

I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red-blooded American should be allowed to own a gun; but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then you invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws!
Let's enforce the ones we already have.

I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child - it takes a parent with the (guts) to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so.

I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.

I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American.
But that's tough!

170
The Coffee Shop / O B I T U A R Y ! ! ! !
« on: April 20, 2013, 10:12:28 pm »
The Death Of Common Sense

 Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
 
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair; and
- Maybe it was my fault..
 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).  His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
 
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
 
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
 
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
 
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim


Not many attended his funeral because
so few realized he was gone..
If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

171
The Coffee Shop / Chocolate......
« on: April 20, 2013, 10:08:16 pm »
The Answer!!!!!

172
The Coffee Shop / "Kindness"......
« on: April 20, 2013, 10:05:03 pm »
Works for me!

173
The Coffee Shop / It is a "Green Thing!"
« on: April 20, 2013, 09:59:43 pm »
Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

And I remember every damn one of those things!

~~~GB~~~

174
The Coffee Shop / Concerned about Alzheimer's? Take this Test!
« on: April 20, 2013, 01:34:43 pm »
****MOVING PUZZLE****

If you can put this puzzle together, you can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging.  As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.  It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.  Give it a try.  If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.

http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf

175
The Coffee Shop / "Whorehouse Burns Down in Texas" (PG13)
« on: April 20, 2013, 01:20:43 pm »
WHOREHOUSE BURNS TO THE  GROUND
 MT. VERNON, TEXAS

BROTHEL OWNER SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

 

The Diamond D brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon and evening prayer sessions at their church.

 

Work on Diamond D's brothel progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

 

After the nearly completed brothel was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

 

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/Madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business, either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

 

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

 

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and a church congregation that thinks it's all bull$#&*!"

176
The Coffee Shop / The origin of "Profiling".....
« on: April 19, 2013, 04:14:29 pm »

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?"

177
The Coffee Shop / The Lone Ranger & Tonto.....
« on: April 19, 2013, 12:39:45 pm »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camped in the desert.  After they got their
 

Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
 

Towards sky, what you see? '
 


 

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
 

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
 

It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
 

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
 

Past three in the morning.
 

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
 

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
 

What's does it tell you, Tonto?'
 

"You dumber than buffalo chips. It means ---
someone stole the tent!?

178
The Coffee Shop / NEW Five Rules of Life!
« on: April 18, 2013, 11:38:45 pm »
Works for me!

179
The Coffee Shop / Do you ever have this happen?
« on: April 18, 2013, 11:37:28 pm »
Happens to me all the time!

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SMF

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