Topics

1636

The Coffee Shop / Help Wanted...Lion Tamer! <PG-13>

« on: June 27, 2010, 08:02:17 pm »

Don't you just love stories about the animal kingdom.
 
>A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer
>in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
>
>The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better
>be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

>Who wants to try out first?"
>
>The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
>chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion
>starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge toward her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
>
>The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
>licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and nuzzle her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
>
>The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
>
>The tough old golfer replies,
>
>"No problem, just get that darn lion out of there."

1637

The Coffee Shop / Seriously folks....

« on: June 27, 2010, 03:21:18 pm »

Do we have any 'plumbers' out there in cyberland?

I have a PVC water/supply line question!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1638

The Coffee Shop / Definition of TRUE Love!

« on: June 27, 2010, 10:25:19 am »

Leave your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
Now open it and see which one is GLAD to see you!!!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1639

The Coffee Shop / The Bitter Truth! <PG-13>

« on: June 26, 2010, 11:47:08 am »

The Bitter  Truth !
 
 
   
    A man is watching a  game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty  movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous  sex.
 
"I  don't know whether to watch them or the game," he says to his  wife.
 
?For Heaven's sake,  watch them," his wife says. "You  already know how to play  golf!"

1640

The Coffee Shop / The Pastor's "ASS"

« on: June 25, 2010, 04:01:26 pm »

      The Pastor's Ass                                         

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                           The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and                           

                                             it won.                                             

                                                                                                 

                            The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey                           

                                    that he entered it in the                                   

                                              race                                               

                                     again and it won again.                                     

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                      The local paper read:                                     

                                                                                                 

                                            PASTOR'S                                             

                                         ASS OUT FRONT.                                         

                                                                                                 

                            The Bishop was so upset with this kind of                           

                                    publicity that he ordered                                   

                                               the                                               

                         Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.                         

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                              The next day the local paper headline                             

                                              read:                                             

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                             BISHOP                                             

                                            SCRATCHES                                           

                                            PASTOR'S                                             

                                              ASS.                                               

                                                                                                 

                             This was too much for the Bishop so he                             

                                    ordered the Pastor to get                                   

                                               rid                                               

                                         of the donkey.                                         

                                                                                                 

                           The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a                           

                                         nearby convent.                                         

                                                                                                 

                          The local paper, hearing of the news, posted                           

                                     the following headline                                     

                                               the                                               

                                            next day:                                           

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.                                   

                                                                                                 

                                       The Bishop fainted.                                       

                                                                                                 

                           He informed the Nun that she would have to                           

                                    get rid of the donkey so                                     

                                               she                                               

                                  sold it to a farmer for $10.                                   

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                  The next day the paper read:                                   

                                                                                                 

                                               NUN                                               

                                       SELLS ASS FOR $10.                                       

                                                                                                 

                             This was too much for the Bishop so he                             

                                   ordered the Nun to buy back                                   

                                               the                                               

                       donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run                       

                                              wild.                                             

                                                                                                 

                                The next day the headlines read:                                 

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                             NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.                             

                                                                                                 

                               The Bishop was buried the next day.                               

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                             The moral of the story is . . ... being                             

                                 concerned about public opinion                                 

                                               can                                               

                      bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your                     

                                              life.                                             

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                                 So be yourself and enjoy life.                                 

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                 

                           Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and                           

                                     you'll be a lot happier                                     

                                               and                                               

                                          live longer!                                           

                                                                                                 

                                              Have                                               

                                           a nice day!

1641

The Coffee Shop / Do you build 'Models"

« on: June 25, 2010, 03:54:24 pm »

Watch this Model Airplane!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=SDbQ5xvsrIU

Here is a 'hobbyist' with lots of time and talent!

 Model-Jet Airplane
This is one absolutely amazing remote controlled [RC] model airplane.  Not only did they build its jet engines, but included a retractable landing gear, and built it into a fully scaled model of the SR-71 "Blackbird" that flies just like the real McCoy.  This SR-71 model was built by an Engineer / RC enthusiast in Germany , and is certainly one awesome toy.

1642

The Coffee Shop / Shirley and Marcy....

« on: June 25, 2010, 03:46:35 pm »

   Shirley  & Marcy
 
 A mom was concerned about her  kindergarten son walking to school . He
didn't want his mother to  walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling
that he had some  indepdence but yet know that he was safe.
 
 So she had  an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would
please  follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so  he
wouldn't notice her.
 
 She said that since she  was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be
a good way for them  to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
 
 The  next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out  following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor  girl he knew.
She  did  this for the whole week.
 
 As the two walked and  chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little
friend noticed the  same lady was following them as she seemed to do every
day all week.  Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady
following us  to school all week? Do you know her?'
 
  Timmy  nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
 The little  girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
 'That's just Shirley Goodnest,'  Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
 
 'Shirley  Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?' 
 
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the  23rd Psalm
with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in  the Psalm, it
says,
'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all  the days of my life,'
so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!' 

1643

The Coffee Shop / U P !!!!!

« on: June 24, 2010, 02:58:08 pm »

Think about this one!!!


 

                 UP


 

Read all the way to the end.....

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word Is 'UP.'

It is listed in the Dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do We speak UP?

And why are the Officers UP   for Election?

And why is it UP to the secretary

To Write UP a Report?

We call UP our friends,

Brighten  UP a room,

Polish UP the Silver,

Warm UP the leftovers,

And clean  UP the kitchen.

We Lock UP the house

And Fix UP the old Car.

At other times this little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble,

Line UP  for Tickets,

Work UP  an appetite,

And think UP  excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be Dressed UP is Special.

And this UP is confusing:

A Drain must be Opened UP because it is Stopped UP.

We Open UP  a store in the morning but we Close it UP at Night.

We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP

To be Knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP

Look UP the word UP  in the dictionary..

In a desk-sized Dictionary, it takes UP  almost 1/4 of the page

And can add UP to about Thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP
A list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time,

But if you don't give UP ,

You may wind UP with a hundred or More.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is Clouding UP

When the sun comes out we say it is Clearing UP

When it rains, it Soaks UP  the Earth.

When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap It UP for now .....my time is UP

Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you Do in the morning

And the last thing you do at Night?

U

   P
 

Did that one crack you UP?


Don't screw UP

Send this on to everyone you Look UP in your address book

..Or not...it's UP to you

Don't forget when your angry at someone it's Up  Yours!!!!!

   
  Now I'll shut UP!!!

1644

The Coffee Shop / Creative Woodworks magazine....

« on: June 24, 2010, 01:52:41 pm »

Just got a flyer from them for 24 'exclusive patterns' with a one year subscription for $29.97...

Is the magazine worth the money?

Opinions?

1645

The Coffee Shop / How was I born???? <pg-13>

« on: June 23, 2010, 10:19:03 pm »

A  little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I  born?'

The  father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find  out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room  on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we  met at a cyber-cafe..  We sneaked into a secluded room, and  googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download  from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we  discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it  was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little  Pop-Up appeared that said:




READY??




"You've Got MALE!" 

1646

The Coffee Shop / Psychiatrist or Bartender?

« on: June 22, 2010, 11:06:00 am »

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

 
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
 
 
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
 TALK TO A BARTENDER

1647

The Coffee Shop / "Maxine" on Life....

« on: June 21, 2010, 12:06:26 pm »

 From Everyone's friend "Maxine"....
 
As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life in 2010- Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written
An impressive new book. It's called .......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.


11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way...

 Maxine says.....
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!

1648

The Coffee Shop / "The Twins".....

« on: June 19, 2010, 11:00:23 pm »

A high school senior and cheerleader got pretty close with the captain of the football team and got pregnant. He ran off and joined the Marines and wouldn't marry her and she had to give the twins up for adoption when they were born.
Unfortunately they could not be kept together and one was adopted by an Indian family and named Ahmal. The other was adopted by a Venezuelan family and his name was Juan.
Many years later after a happy marriage the mother decided to try and find her twins. They were finally located and the woman and her husband invited them to come back and meet their 'birth mother' at Christmas. Well as luck would have it there was a snowstorm in the east and Ahmal was snowed in at Dulles airport and it looked like he wouldn't make it home.
The lady was beside herself and giving her husband fits. He finally asked what was so wrong and she replied that she wanted to see BOTH her TWINS.

Exasperated he said, "I don't see what the big deal is after all...

If you see Juan you've seen Ahmal!"

<rimshot>

1649

General Scroll Saw Talk / Harbor Freight....Air Brush....

« on: June 19, 2010, 07:34:10 pm »

Just today got an email flyer from HF with coupons...

Air Brush basic set-up for $4.99 with coupon...

Been wanting to try one so I will grab one.

If you want a copy of the coupon just PM or email me!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1650

The Coffee Shop / Slow Down!....you're going too fast!!!

« on: June 19, 2010, 03:46:14 pm »

READ THIS VERY CAREFULLY... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.   

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.  From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.   

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?  Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?   
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched ' Jeopardy ' on television?   

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't.  I have clothes on the line.  My hair is dirty.  I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain'  And my personal favorite:  'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.   

Because   People   cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches..  We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! 

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get the little one toilet-trained.  We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.  We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.  The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.  One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'   

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips.  She keeps an open mind on new ideas.  Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.  You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.   

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.  I love ice cream.  It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.  The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.  If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.   

Now...go on and have a nice day.  Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?   And why are you waiting?   

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.   

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?  Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?  Do you run through each day on the fly?  When you ask 'How are you?'  Do you hear the reply?   

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?  Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see her sorrow?  Ever lost touch?  Let a good friendship die?  Just call to say 'Hi'?   

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away. 
Life is not a race. Take it slower.  Hear the music before the song is over.   

'Life may not be the party we hoped for...  but while we are here we might as well dance!'

These are the kinds of things some of us 'oldtimers' think about while the blade is doing its job!!!

~~~GrayBeard~~~