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Topics - GrayBeard

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1621
The Coffee Shop / WD-40....
« on: July 05, 2010, 05:35:27 pm »
 Who knew;
I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very
    early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red
    all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
    I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very
    upset and was trying to figure out what to do.... probably nothing
    until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor
    came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed
    the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that
    was on the truck. I'm impressed!
   
   
   
    WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a
    search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect
    missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at
    the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the
    project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound.. They
    were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The
    Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile
    parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing
    in WD-40 that would hurt you... When you read the 'shower door'
    part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that
    spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as
    glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top ... Viola!
    It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
   
   
    WD-40 uses:
   
    1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
    2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
    3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
    4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
    5. Keeps flies off cows. (I love this one!)
    6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
    7. Removes lipstick stains.
    8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
    9. Untangles jewelry chains.
    10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
    11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
    12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
    13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
    14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
    15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
    16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
    17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
    18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use
    WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't
    seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to
    get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot
    of marks.
    19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed
    quickly! Use WD-40!
    20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super
    fast slide.
    21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of
    handling on riding mowers...
    22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
    23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them
    easier to open..
    24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
    25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles,
    as well as vinyl bumpers.
    26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
    27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
    28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and
    bicycles for easy handling.
    29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them
    running smoothly.
    30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
    31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
    32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
    33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
    34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
    35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
    36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to
    relieve arthritis pain.
    37. Florida 's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs
    from grills and bumpers.'
    38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects
    the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
    39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures
    and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot
    cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that
    purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or
    lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
    40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away
    immediately and stops the itch.
    41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on
    the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
    42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has
    washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate
    the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is
    gone!
    43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would
    displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
   
   
    P.S. The basic ingredient is Fish Oil

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1622
The Coffee Shop / The "Church Secretaries"
« on: July 05, 2010, 05:25:50 pm »
Love those Church Ladies.. Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

-- ------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:

'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.


1623
General Scroll Saw Talk / Key Chain...Wedding Present
« on: July 04, 2010, 12:32:46 pm »
Sample of what I do for a 'quick' and easy keychain...

Also the wedding present for my grand daughter, can't find my darn corks!!!
WoodCraft on Monday!




1624
The Coffee Shop / The BLOG Post for July 4, 2010
« on: July 04, 2010, 09:24:11 am »
http://scrollsawworkshop.blogspot.com/

I urge everyone to read the BLOG post made by our HOST early this morning, July 4 2010!

This is a wonderful and important message!

Thank You, Steve, for sharing your feelings!

HAPPY  INDEPENDENCE  DAY ! ! !

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1625
The Coffee Shop / Wondering....
« on: July 03, 2010, 10:51:17 am »
Are there forums dedicated to other hobbies that have people who are as friendly, helpful, sharing and concerned for each other and what we do and how we do it as we Scrollers?

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1626
The Coffee Shop / "Grand Children" are so sweet and loving!!!
« on: June 30, 2010, 09:36:52 pm »
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
 
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ... 
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
 
"What?" said her Grandpa.
 
"Make a noise like a frog -
because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we?re all going to Disney Land!?

1627
The Coffee Shop / "Maxine" is at it again!
« on: June 30, 2010, 09:29:09 pm »
Maxine took her car to her mechanic.
She told him, 'Every time I
take any of my friends out in my car,after a while there
is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when
I am driving alone'

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said,
'OK, let's go for a spin and see what the
problem is.' Off they went. She drove
down a one-way street in the wrong direction
at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting
the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly
missed three pedestrians in pedestrian
crossings, ran several red lights, and just
missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said,
'There it is now... there's that terrible smell!
Can you smell it?'

"Smell it?"

" Lady, I'm sittin' in it !!"

1628
The Coffee Shop / The SKI Trip!
« on: June 30, 2010, 09:25:33 pm »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob...... So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

 
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard..... So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 

 
'Don't  worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the  night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,  'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She died and left me  everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you  smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the  day!

1629
The Coffee Shop / Takin' a break....Lunch Time!
« on: June 29, 2010, 01:13:00 pm »
'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a coon dog.
15. You go to the NASCAR car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 ....

1631
The Coffee Shop / A REAL Man.....
« on: June 28, 2010, 05:14:55 pm »

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.

 

1632
The Coffee Shop / Communicating from the 'shop'!
« on: June 28, 2010, 05:02:52 pm »
Do any of you do as I do and take your laptop or 'netbook' into the shop?

My netbook is wireless networked and WIFI capable.
I'm just close enough to our local 'Park' office that I can use the city's WIFI or my own wireless network.
Pretty slick!

However, it is something else I have to keep the sawdust out of!!!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1633
The Coffee Shop / Are YOU a Multi-Tasker?
« on: June 28, 2010, 11:28:53 am »
If so this is for you!!!



I just ordered mine!

LINK NOT WORKING...Scroll Down

1634
The Coffee Shop / For the Ladies....
« on: June 28, 2010, 11:17:23 am »
Received this in my morning mail...
Seems we were recently discussing making your own!



LINK NOT WORKING....Scroll Down!

1635
The Coffee Shop / Lizard Birth <Mature Audience>
« on: June 28, 2010, 12:07:54 am »

Mature Audiences....You HAVE been Warned!
BUT too FUNNY not to SHARE!


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.  Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.  Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.'  He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that .. . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . . '  She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

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