Topics

1606

The Coffee Shop / Received this in an email from my GrandSon....

« on: July 09, 2010, 04:47:51 pm »

He is training to be a U.S. Navy fighter pilot....

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.

 "When  In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"
 
"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

" U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

" U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist?  A Little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting...USMC"

1607

The Coffee Shop / Spelling Test....

« on: July 09, 2010, 03:49:31 pm »

The teacher asked Johnny to spell "straight' and he did it without hesitation!

She replied, "That is very good Johnny, can you tell us what it means?"

Again without hesitation Johnny replied.....

"Served without water or seltzer!"

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1608

General Scroll Saw Talk / Craig's List.....

« on: July 09, 2010, 03:42:45 pm »

I don't know about other cities but in the St. Louis Metro area it seems like EVERYONE has a Sears/Craftsman Scroll Saw for sale!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1609

General Scroll Saw Talk / FireFox 4.0 Beta...Warning!

« on: July 09, 2010, 10:53:53 am »

I downloaded and installed it!

They say you can run both side by side but when the Beta 4.0 installed it took control of my existing version and converted it.
I MAY have missed something in the install but be careful out there!!!

I'm still liking Google's CHROME better and better!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1610

The Coffee Shop / Underwear DUST!

« on: July 08, 2010, 07:24:27 pm »

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

1611

The Coffee Shop / Kitchen WISDOM...Martha Stewart vs. MAXINE!

« on: July 08, 2010, 07:21:19 pm »

KitchenWisdom


Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.



Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!





To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.



Buy "SMASH",  mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.





When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.



Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!





If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'


If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'





Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.



Celery? Never heard of it!





Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!All your pains go away!





Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


Leftover wine????HELLO!!!!!!!




Lastly, if you don't SEND this to AT LEAST TWO  of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

1612

The Coffee Shop / STRESS sick leave....

« on: July 08, 2010, 07:14:59 pm »

Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna lovethis....)







*
*
* She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

1613

The Coffee Shop / The "PIPER"

« on: July 07, 2010, 10:38:58 am »

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a  graveside service  for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
 
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
 
 I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
 The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ' Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
 
 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothing' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
 Apparently I'm still lost....

OOOOOOOOPS!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1614

The Coffee Shop / Something to make you THINK....

« on: July 07, 2010, 09:49:32 am »

The Cab Ride

 
I arrived at the address and honked the horn.
after waiting a few minutes
I walked to the door and knocked..
'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.
I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in
her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a
print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned
on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had
lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks
or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a
cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said.
I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness.
'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers
the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said.
When we got in the cab, she gave
me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry.
I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were
glistening. 'I don't have any family left,'
she continued in a soft voice.. 'The doctor says
I don't have very long.'
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two
hours, we drove through the city. She showed me
the building where she had once worked as an
elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and
her husband had lived when they were newlyweds
She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse
that had once been a ballroom where she had gone
dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow
in front of a particular building or corner and
would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was
creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm
tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.
It was a low building, like a small convalescent home,
with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to
the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to
the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?'
She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.
She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she
said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the
dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.
It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove
aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that
day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had
gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient
to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked
once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything
more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve
around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully
wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

 
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY
WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID
~BUT~
THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

1615

The Coffee Shop / The "Truck Stop" Bikers....

« on: July 07, 2010, 09:42:57 am »

Three rough-looking bikers stroll into a truck stop restaurant where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy's pancakes.
Another spits a wad of chewing tobacco in his coffee, and the third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
"Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

1616

The Coffee Shop / Do I 'detect' something????

« on: July 06, 2010, 10:14:33 pm »

Seems like we are getting more folks 'active' every day!

A VERY good thing!!!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1617

The Coffee Shop / The Punk Rocker in the E.R. .... <PG-13>

« on: July 05, 2010, 07:10:12 pm »

 As a nurse I was on duty in the Emergency Room ...
when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed and on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by an RN no name given!

1618

The Coffee Shop / Hey Cherie.....

« on: July 05, 2010, 06:35:50 pm »

Is this video anything like your wedding?

http://www.flixxy.com/wedding-ceremony.htm

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1619

The Coffee Shop / The "Bad Boys"!

« on: July 05, 2010, 06:10:38 pm »

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an ev en sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" 
 
The boy screamed and bolted from the room,
ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time," (I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

1620

The Coffee Shop / Actual questions and answeers

« on: July 05, 2010, 05:54:49 pm »

>                          God Bless America!
>                         
>                         A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is
>                         
>                         in trouble:
>                         
>                         1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
>                         
>                         aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
>                         
>                         window. (On an airplane!)
>                           
>                         2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
>                         
>                         Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the
>                         
>                         length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
>                         
>                         interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
>                         
>                         Capetown is in Massachusetts ..''
>                         
>                         Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod
>                         
>                         is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
>                         
>                         his response -- click.
>                         
>                         3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
>                         
>                         about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
>                         
>                         vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
>                         
>                         tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
>                         
>                         of the state.
>                         
>                          He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a
>                         
>                         very thin state!'' (OMG)
>                         
>                         4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is
>                         
>                         it possible to see England from Canada ?''
>                         
>                         I said, ''No.''
>                         
>                         She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
>                         
>                         5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and
>                         
>                         asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation
>                         
>                         and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him
>                         
>                         why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
>                         
>                         airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
>                         
>                         (Aghhhh)
>                         
>                         6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
>                         
>                         needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left
>                         
>                         at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
>                         
>                         I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
>                         
>                         couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
>                         
>                         plane went fast, and she bought that.
>                         
>                         7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
>                         
>                         airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
>                         
>                         luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
>                         
>                         He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
>                         
>                         on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
>                         
>                         rude!''
>                         
>                         After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
>                         
>                         dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno ,
>                         
>                         Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
>                         
>                         destination tag on his luggage.
>                         
>                         8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
>                         
>                         trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she
>                         
>                         asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
>                         
>                         train to Hawaii ?''
>                         
>                         9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
>                         
>                         (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
>                         
>                         
>                         
>                         I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told
>                         
>                         my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
>                         
>                         them.''
>                         
>                         10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
>                         
>                         called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have
>                         
>                         to get on one of those little computer planes?''
>                         
>                         I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
>                         
>                         She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
>                         
>                         11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
>                         
>                         documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
>                         
>                         discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
>                         
>                         'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
>                         
>                         one of those.''
>                         
>                         I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I
>                         
>                         told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
>                         
>                         every time they have accepted my American Express!''
>                         
>                         12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
>                         
>                         ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
>                         
>                         I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
>                         
>                         name of the town?''
>                         
>                         'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
>                         
>                         After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked
>                         
>                         up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
>                         
>                         ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
>                         
>                         Check your map!''
>                         
>                         So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
>                         
>                         don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
>                         
>                         The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
>                         
>                         Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
>                         
>                         Could anyone be this DUMB?