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1576

The Coffee Shop / Good advice from the Ol' Farmer....

« on: July 16, 2010, 09:10:01 am »

Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.  

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.
Speak kindly.  Leave the rest to God.
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man.  If he is too old to fight,
he will be devious enough to beat you some way!

1577

The Coffee Shop / Vacation Planning...redneck style!

« on: July 16, 2010, 01:04:41 am »

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

1578

The Coffee Shop / Visit to the Gynecologist....

« on: July 16, 2010, 12:53:00 am »

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking for the three wise men."

1579

The Coffee Shop / A plane lands rather 'roughly'!

« on: July 16, 2010, 12:29:56 am »

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....
it was the asphalt!"

1580

General Scroll Saw Talk / Polymer CLAY inserts...

« on: July 15, 2010, 07:12:40 pm »

One of the clays used for Steve's projects has been mentioned as FIMO 'soft'.

Have any of you tried others? I was not impressed with the color selections of FIMO.

I found three other brands, "Sculpey", "Craft Smart" and "Premo".

Any experiences?

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1581

The Coffee Shop / Why DOGS are Better than.....

« on: July 15, 2010, 11:06:36 am »

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men


Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you?except fetch. And dogs never laugh at how you throw.

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing members of their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited when you play rough.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.


A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never insist on talking about your relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs never worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

You never have to wait for a dog. They are ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

1582

The Coffee Shop / You KNOW You Are OLD When....

« on: July 15, 2010, 10:54:39 am »

You have plenty of room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet....

You REGRET all those times you resisted TEMPTATION!

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who comes into the room!

You have a party and the neighbors don't even notice!

You turn off the light to save on the electric bill!

All the names in your 'address book' end in "M.D."

You give up all your bad habits and still feel like crap!

"Getting a little action" means not having to take a laxative!

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and NOT breaking any laws!

In a hostage situation you are likely to among the first to be released!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1583

The Coffee Shop / Today....

« on: July 15, 2010, 10:29:09 am »

I will be 'class coordinator' for a presentation by our local "OASIS" chapter entitled "The Buzz About Bees".
All that really means is I get to see that the room is set up, refreshments are prepared, attendance is taken, and distribute and collect the evaluation sheets filled out by the participants. But I get to attend for FREE.

Will report any interesting facts I learn about Bees.

If you are 50 years or older check oasisnet.org and see if you have a chapter nearby.
Lots of interesting things to see and do!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1584

The Coffee Shop / Channel Swimming Competition....

« on: July 14, 2010, 11:41:01 pm »

SWIMMING THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

1585

The Coffee Shop / The "House Call"

« on: July 14, 2010, 02:19:41 pm »

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow.
They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

1586

The Coffee Shop / The Shopping Trip!

« on: July 14, 2010, 11:42:00 am »

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.
When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.
Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!"
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.
The lady doctor then laughed and said,
"I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

1587

The Coffee Shop / A month ago....

« on: July 14, 2010, 11:35:32 am »

I joined a Health Club.

So far I have spent $300 and haven't lost a pound.

Somebody told me you have to GO there! ! !

1588

The Coffee Shop / Thought for 07-14-2010

« on: July 14, 2010, 11:32:45 am »

Marriage....when a woman gets a new name and a dress.

1589

The Coffee Shop / WALKING....

« on: July 14, 2010, 11:25:54 am »

Walking can have many benefits...

Walking can add minutes to your life!
This enables you at age 85 to spend an additional FIVE months in a nursing home at only $7,000 per month!

Grampa started walking 5 miles a day when he turned 65. He is now 82 and we have no idea where the heck he is!

The only reason I would take up walking is so I could hear 'heavy breathing' again!

I really enjoy long walks....especially when they are taken by someone who annoys the heck out of me!

I can only walk early in the morning...before my Brain figures out what I am doing!

1590

The Coffee Shop / A letter from Scout Camp....

« on: July 14, 2010, 10:15:36 am »

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Bob got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Bob gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Bob said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Bob is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Bob wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Bob isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Bob said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything.

See you Sunday!!!