Topics

1561

The Coffee Shop / The "Lemon Squeeze"!!!

« on: July 27, 2010, 12:12:48 pm »

There once was a very pretty and religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'


The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said,
     'No, but it will wipe that silly grin off of your face.'

1562

Ask Steve a question. / RE: "Computer Questions" section....

« on: July 27, 2010, 12:07:40 pm »

Here is an example of what I was referring to when I suggested a "Computer" section for the group.

Merlin wrote....
"Not scroll saw sorry.
I use chrome for the internet and Mozilla Thunderbird for emails.
Well just lately Windows Internet Explorer is starting up in the background (on it's own) and going into some bizzare sites, some not nice sites.
My grand kids use my computers."

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1563

The Coffee Shop / Jet Fuel!

« on: July 26, 2010, 06:08:44 pm »

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in  Galveston .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do.

Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink Jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high Octane hootch and
got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.  In
fact he feels GREAT!  NO hangover!
NO bad side effects.. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'


'No '

'Well, Try Not to, 'cause I'm in Denver .'

1564

The Coffee Shop / Gentle Thoughts.....

« on: July 26, 2010, 04:05:56 pm »

Gentle Thoughts for Today...

 
 Birds of a feather flock together,
and then Poop on your car...

A penny saved is a government oversight...

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends...

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement...

He who hesitates is probably right...

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are  "XL"
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame...

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'...

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it...

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved...

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra...

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks...

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. .
. . .  AMEN!

~~~GrayBeard~~~ (is BACK!)

1565

The Coffee Shop / The "Dallas Solution"

« on: July 21, 2010, 03:32:13 pm »

    I have a cousin who is president of his homeowners association in the
    Dallas , Texas suburbs.  They were having a terrible problem with litter
    near some of his association's homes.  The reason according to my friend
    is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next
    to their community.

    The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the
    construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and
    7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty
    bottles, etc.  He went to see the site supervisor and even the general
    contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the
    neighborhood, to no avail.  He called the city, county, and police and
    got no help there either.

    So here's what his community did.  They organized about twenty folks,
    named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged
    to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves.  It is what
    they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

    They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS"
    embroidered in gold on the caps.

    It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people
    might mistakenly think the letters really stand for..

    After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup
    detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras,
    46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work
    the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.

    It has been ten days now.

    The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say
    anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens.
    My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal
    personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in
    their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote
    to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they
    informed the INS in advance of their plans, and according to my friend,
    the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

    SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

1566

The Coffee Shop / Painting the PORCH....

« on: July 21, 2010, 02:47:09 pm »

Painting the porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right.  I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

1567

The Coffee Shop / Hearing Problems?

« on: July 21, 2010, 10:08:13 am »

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

~~~GB~~~

1568

The Coffee Shop / Older means More Clever!!!

« on: July 21, 2010, 10:04:56 am »

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Don't Mess With SENIORS!!!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1569

General Scroll Saw Talk / Branding Irons....

« on: July 20, 2010, 09:25:16 am »

Found this on the BLOG this morning....

http://www.brandnew.net/estore/shopdisplayproducts.asp?id=2&cat=Handcrafted+by+Irons

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1570

General Scroll Saw Talk / Is anyone else noticing....

« on: July 18, 2010, 11:21:32 pm »

that the server here seems to be getting 'SLOW'

~~~GB~~~

1571

The Coffee Shop / When Love Fades......

« on: July 18, 2010, 12:12:47 pm »

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, meathead. I was talking to the cat."

~~~GB~~~

1572

The Coffee Shop / The Last Rites.....

« on: July 17, 2010, 11:00:12 am »

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.


He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.


"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.


Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.


A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"


Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80's.


"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest... I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."


The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.


The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:





B-4 ..... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

1573

The Coffee Shop / Hey Russ.....

« on: July 16, 2010, 08:50:54 pm »

Should we tell Cherie the news? or let her figure it out for herself?

~~~GB~~~

1574

The Coffee Shop / Rust....

« on: July 16, 2010, 04:04:14 pm »

A couple in their late thirties had their first child.
There was one major problem...The baby had brilliant RED hair!
After discussing among themselves the couple finally asked the pediatric chief of the hospital how this could be.
The Dr. said, "Well surely one of you has some distant relative that has or had RED hair. They both vehemently insisted that they had gone back three generations and there were no members of the family on either side who had anything but black hair since they were both Italian.
Perplexed the Dr. asked, "How long had it been since you had sex before the baby was conceived?"
The husband sheepishly said, "We had not had sex for many months and then we were astonished when my wife became pregnant."
To this the Dr. replied, "Now I know the answer...It is RUST!"

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1575

The Coffee Shop / Men DO remember!!!

« on: July 16, 2010, 01:25:03 pm »

Men do remember ...


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.   He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.   'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ' Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.  'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

~~~GrayBeard~~~