1546
News: Had a couple issues with the forum today. 1/19/2017. I believe I have them corrected now. Let me know if you have any trouble. Thanks.
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1547
The Coffee Shop / Poor Old Morris!
« on: July 30, 2010, 12:22:44 pm »
Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please.... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please.... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
1548
The Coffee Shop / Driver's License....
« on: July 29, 2010, 05:01:48 pm »
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
1549
The Coffee Shop / Computer Problem!
« on: July 29, 2010, 04:53:31 pm »I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ? ID ten T ? error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ? ID ten T ? error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little smart a$$!
~~~GB~~~ .
1550
The Coffee Shop / Crossing the Border!
« on: July 29, 2010, 03:35:48 pm »
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard.
"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard.
"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
1551
The Coffee Shop / A A R P forum discussion ......
« on: July 28, 2010, 10:16:09 pm »Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger, women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore... under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly.... wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses, then you can't see them.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless... It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
--
" We could certainly slow the aging process
down if it had to work its way through Congress."
-- Will Rogers
1552
The Coffee Shop / SIX Truths of Life!
« on: July 28, 2010, 09:51:15 pm »
6 TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. THEY discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid grin on your face
I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company
You now have 2 options...delete it or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today.
~~~GB~~~
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. THEY discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid grin on your face
I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company
You now have 2 options...delete it or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today.
~~~GB~~~
1553
General Scroll Saw Talk / St. Louis, MO, USA Area....
« on: July 28, 2010, 04:17:02 pm »
DeWalt 788 on craigslist....
http://stlouis.craigslist.org/tls/1866941513.html
Looks lightly used...asking $225 with stand
Damn, I didn't wait long enough!!!!
~~~GrayBeard~~~
http://stlouis.craigslist.org/tls/1866941513.html
Looks lightly used...asking $225 with stand
Damn, I didn't wait long enough!!!!
~~~GrayBeard~~~
1554
The Coffee Shop / SIGNS of the Times...
« on: July 28, 2010, 08:35:16 am »
On a Septic Tank Truck:
'Yesterday's Meals on Wheels'
************ ********* *****
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
************ ********* *****
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
************ ********* *****
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
************ ********* *****
At a Tire Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
************ ********* *****
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
************ ********* *****
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
************ ********* *****
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
************ ********* *****
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
************ ********* *****
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
************ ********* *****
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
************ ********* *****
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
************ ********* *****
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
************ ********* *****
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
************ ********* *****
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
************ ********* *****
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
************ ********* *****
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
************ ********* *
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
On Yet another Septic Tank Truck:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your load back."
'Yesterday's Meals on Wheels'
************ ********* *****
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
************ ********* *****
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
************ ********* *****
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
************ ********* *****
At a Tire Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
************ ********* *****
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
************ ********* *****
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
************ ********* *****
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
************ ********* *****
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
************ ********* *****
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
************ ********* *****
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
************ ********* *****
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
************ ********* *****
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
************ ********* *****
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
************ ********* *****
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
************ ********* *****
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
************ ********* *****
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
************ ********* *
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
On Yet another Septic Tank Truck:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your load back."
1555
The Coffee Shop / The Chief is at a Wedding.....
« on: July 27, 2010, 06:25:02 pm »
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~GB~~~
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~GB~~~
1556
The Coffee Shop / My 'serious' side.....
« on: July 27, 2010, 03:25:43 pm »
This is pretty neat.....(30 second video) ...
Have you ever seen one of your military walking past you and wanted to
convey to them your thanks, but weren't sure how or it felt awkward?
Recently, a gentleman from Seattle created a gesture which could be used
and has started a movement to get the word out.
Please everybody take just a moment to watch.... The Gratitude Campaign;
.......and then forward it to your friends! THEN START USING THE SIGN .
CLICK HERE
http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/shortmovie.php
Please pass it on.
~~~GrayBeard~~~
Have you ever seen one of your military walking past you and wanted to
convey to them your thanks, but weren't sure how or it felt awkward?
Recently, a gentleman from Seattle created a gesture which could be used
and has started a movement to get the word out.
Please everybody take just a moment to watch.... The Gratitude Campaign;
.......and then forward it to your friends! THEN START USING THE SIGN .
CLICK HERE
http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/shortmovie.php
Please pass it on.
~~~GrayBeard~~~
1557
The Coffee Shop / The Difference between California and Arizona!
« on: July 27, 2010, 12:38:48 pm »
California vs. Arizona
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for six months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on one .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that's why California is broke.
~~~GrayBeard~~~
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for six months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on one .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that's why California is broke.
~~~GrayBeard~~~
1558
The Coffee Shop / "...and then the FIGHT started!"
« on: July 27, 2010, 12:24:42 pm »
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We aren't married yet.'
-- ----------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied,
"I like your sense of humour?"
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We aren't married yet.'
-- ----------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied,
"I like your sense of humour?"
1559
The Coffee Shop / "PRIDE"....
« on: July 27, 2010, 12:18:35 pm »
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I made love to each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I made love to each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
1560
The Coffee Shop / "Disappointment"
« on: July 27, 2010, 12:15:04 pm »
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
~~~GrayBeard~~~
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
~~~GrayBeard~~~
