1381
The Coffee Shop / NEW Cellphone for Seniors!
« on: October 10, 2010, 03:10:06 pm »
My kind of phone!
~~~GB~~~
~~~GB~~~
News: Had a couple issues with the forum today. 1/19/2017. I believe I have them corrected now. Let me know if you have any trouble. Thanks.
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1383
The Coffee Shop / "This just in from Maxine!"
« on: October 10, 2010, 12:52:10 pm »
"It must be Fall..."
"Today I noticed some frost on my pumpkins. I guess I should start wearing a BRA again!"
***Maxine***
"Today I noticed some frost on my pumpkins. I guess I should start wearing a BRA again!"
***Maxine***
1384
Brag Forum / Braggin' on Judy Hunter!
« on: October 10, 2010, 12:44:13 pm »
IF you haven't taken a side trip to her new website you really should.
Fantastic Site, Judy!
http://artisticsawdust.com/
~~~GrayBeard~~~
Fantastic Site, Judy!
http://artisticsawdust.com/
~~~GrayBeard~~~
1385
Pattern Requests. / "Mountain Man" pattern?
« on: October 10, 2010, 12:01:36 am »
Has anyone seen a pattern of a "Mountain Man" in full regalia?
Let me know where, please.
~~~GB~~~
Let me know where, please.
~~~GB~~~
1386
The Coffee Shop / Only in Texas!
« on: October 09, 2010, 11:51:46 pm »
Texas Beer Joint Sues Church
In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about, the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church, "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork, that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
~~~GB~~~
In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about, the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church, "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork, that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
~~~GB~~~
1387
The Coffee Shop / Things I Didn't Know!
« on: October 09, 2010, 09:44:21 pm »
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
And now we know!
~~~GB~~~
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
And now we know!
~~~GB~~~
1388
The Coffee Shop / Maxine's Back!
« on: October 09, 2010, 09:36:43 pm »
The last guy I went out with had a lot in common with the tires on my car: he was bald, unbalanced and full of hot air!
~~~Maxine~~~
~~~Maxine~~~
1389
The Coffee Shop / Some RECENT Incidents....
« on: October 09, 2010, 09:29:11 pm »
. ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
>
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
> Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she > was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of > typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
~~~GB~~~
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
>
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
> Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she > was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of > typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
~~~GB~~~
1390
The Coffee Shop / Conversation between God and St. Francis!
« on: October 09, 2010, 09:23:37 pm »
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
'nuff said!!!
~~~GB~~~
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
'nuff said!!!
~~~GB~~~
1391
The Coffee Shop / Stuff You Didn't Know You Didn't Know - #4
« on: October 09, 2010, 09:12:04 pm »
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~GB~~~
~~~GB~~~
1392
The Coffee Shop / Stuff You Didn't Know You Didn't Know - #3
« on: October 09, 2010, 04:23:25 pm »
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
than the U.S. Treasury.
than the U.S. Treasury.
1393
Brag Forum / Three new ones
« on: October 09, 2010, 12:54:23 pm »
Keeping myself busy....
Remember the WOOT cedar grilling planks? That is what the Buffalo is made from...
~~~GrayBeard~~~
Remember the WOOT cedar grilling planks? That is what the Buffalo is made from...
~~~GrayBeard~~~
1394
The Coffee Shop / OOOOOOPS!!!!!!!!
« on: October 09, 2010, 11:53:08 am »
Ooops !!!!!!!!!!!!
*Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..**
Brief Pause.
**Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**Oh my Gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?**
**He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**Swimming pool? ...........**
*Is this 486-5731?*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
*Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..**
Brief Pause.
**Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**Oh my Gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?**
**He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**Swimming pool? ...........**
*Is this 486-5731?*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
1395
Brag Forum / Here is someone who SHOULD be Bragging!
« on: October 09, 2010, 11:46:19 am »
This was shown on eBay for sale!
Beautiful Custom Built 2009 Wooden Car
This custom wooden car rides on a 1986 Toyota truck frame and gets power from a Chrysler 318 engine. It is driven by an automatic transmission and has merely 1,800 miles on its speedometer. The whole body is made of cedar and its interior is just as over-the-top as the exterior. It was on sale on eBay.
~~~GB~~~
Beautiful Custom Built 2009 Wooden Car
This custom wooden car rides on a 1986 Toyota truck frame and gets power from a Chrysler 318 engine. It is driven by an automatic transmission and has merely 1,800 miles on its speedometer. The whole body is made of cedar and its interior is just as over-the-top as the exterior. It was on sale on eBay.
~~~GB~~~
