Topics

136

The Coffee Shop / Erudite Scientist

« on: September 08, 2011, 03:39:48 am »

Good for a chuckle or 2
Gabby

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:


? I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

? Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

? Half the people you know are below average.

? 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

? 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

? A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

? A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

? If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

? All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

? The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

? I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.

? OK, so what's the speed of dark?

? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

? When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

? Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

? Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

? I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

? What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

? A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking..

? Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

? The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

? To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

? The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

? The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

? The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

? Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

? If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

? If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

137

The Coffee Shop / How the internet began. Humor

« on: September 06, 2011, 11:54:00 pm »

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot . And Dot Com
was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was
often called Amazon Dot Com.

And
she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"

 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

 

And
Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply
telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham
thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his
tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums
were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also
developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The
People (HTTP).

 

And
the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And
lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums
to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and
drumsticks.

 

And
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it
came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And
Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said
Abraham. And because it was Dot 's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's
cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot 's drums to locate things
around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide
to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 

138

The Coffee Shop / Deer camp

« on: September 03, 2011, 02:21:03 am »

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Willie?s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
 
Willie?s friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
 
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Willie sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
 
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
 
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
 
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
"So, here I am."
 

The fight won't start till he gets home!
LOL
Gabby

139

The Coffee Shop / Worth a read

« on: September 02, 2011, 08:34:20 pm »

Take a couple minutes, this is worth it. From CEO of Starbucks.
Gabby

http://ebm.cheetahmail.com/c/tag/hBOYOPAAJvkyvB8dGN3MR$5Tgsn/doc.html?t_params=EMAIL%3Dezirnus%2540aol.com

140

The Coffee Shop / Advice column

« on: August 31, 2011, 11:50:35 pm »

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
-- -----------------------

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work,
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about
a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair
for the past six months.  he won't go to counseling and  I'm afraid I am a
wreck and need advice urgently.  Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking
that there is no debris in the fuel line.  If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John

141

The Coffee Shop / Humor "Irish Virgin"

« on: August 31, 2011, 08:04:21 pm »

The Elderly Irish Virgin


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"
 

142

The Coffee Shop / Difficult things to say when you're drunk.

« on: August 30, 2011, 01:23:21 am »

Things That are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
-------------------------

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

143

The Coffee Shop / Debt Ceiling

« on: August 28, 2011, 11:27:57 pm »

Deep question.


 
 If you can answer this correctly, you can answer
the question on what action to take on raising the Federal debt ceiling.

             

             You come home from work and find there has been
a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.

             What do you do......raise the ceilings, or pump
out the waste?

 

144

The Coffee Shop / Fix the out house

« on: August 28, 2011, 09:01:43 pm »

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when
she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out
and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong
with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git
out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head
in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in
the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is
stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



(wait for it!)



















To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

145

The Coffee Shop / Democracy

« on: August 28, 2011, 08:51:12 pm »

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.
-- Benjamin Franklin

146

Pattern Requests. / Steve's Cat design

« on: August 28, 2011, 04:54:02 pm »

I'm not much of a cat fancier. Having said that, I think your new pattern is COOL Steve!

We do have our token cat just so the puppies learn not to chase them. LOL
Gabby

147

The Coffee Shop / Road Rage in OR

« on: August 27, 2011, 05:20:54 pm »

First off let me say I am sorry for laughing so hard , i couldn't help it.

I did not know that passing you on the right on the freeway (as you drove 50 in the fast lane) would be the one final straw that pushed you over the edge.

after passing you , I look in my rearview mirror , to see you screaming at me , and calling me everything but human , so I give you the one fingered peace sign , and this seems to really twist your shorts , so you ride my bumper for the next 5 miles , even though I'm doing 70 , so I kick it up to 80 and get a little distance , and you start to catch up .

At this point I'm about over it ,( had a crappy morning , my patience was gone) I look in the mirror and saw you raising your coffee cup to get a drink , I couldn't stop myself from locking up the brakes ( wore about 2 inches of rubber off the tire , but sooooo worth it) , had I known that you would stomp the brakes , and force your coffee cup(thank god for paper cups) and face into the steering wheel , causing the most incredible coffee explosion I have ever seen , (the cup must have been full , coffee on every window and you drenched) .

Seeing you dripping with coffee , and screaming at me to pull over so you could kick my a** , struck me as funny, (still does) sure pointing and laughing was maybe a bit much , but I couldn't help it .


I just want to say thank you for brightening my day , sorry it was at your expense, but I chuckle about it daily , and everyone loves the story .

I hope the coffee was hot , you were far from home , and didn't have any extra clothes .

Isn't road rage fun? stupid b***h

have a great life , maybe we can play again sometime


Truly yours
The a**hole in the gold malibu


Location: I-5 between gp and meddy

148

The Coffee Shop / To Grampa Brit sports cars

« on: August 26, 2011, 04:30:17 am »

Paul I've always loved the older British sports cars with their flowing lines. The Morgans, MG's, Austin Healeys, Jag's even the Triumphs.
After getting out of the Navy had an MGA Coupe, that putrid pale green, but what a blast to drive. Not much fun on a date though. Transmission tunnel got in the way!  
Much later got a MGB roadster, but it was worn out. Only car I ever sold that I made money on.  
Just rambling Paul, this isn't a request just a stroll down memory lane.
Y'all chime in if you want.
G'night y'all,
Gabby

149

The Coffee Shop / A herd of cows!

« on: August 25, 2011, 04:06:41 pm »

A Herd of cows, A Flock of chickens

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese..

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... A Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
 
 

150

The Coffee Shop / Grocerie Shopping

« on: August 22, 2011, 10:39:23 pm »

   
Enjoy. Take time to read A minute       read.........
              to the very last sentence!! !!!!!! !!!!!!


Read this story, and
Follow the recommendation at
The end...


As I was walking
Down life's highway
Many years ago


I came upon a
Sign that read


Heavens Grocery Store..


When I got a
Little closer


The doors swung
Open wide


And when I came
To myself


I was standing
Inside..


I saw a host of
Angels.


They were
Standing everywhere


One handed me a
Basket


And said 'My
Child shop with care..'


Everything a
Human needed
Was in that
Grocery store


And what you
Could not carry
You could come
Back for more


First I got some
Patience.


Love was in that
Same row.


Further down was
Understanding,
You need that
Everywhere you go..


I got a box or
Two of Wisdom
And Faith a bag
Or two.


And Charity of
Course
I would need some
Of that too..


I couldn't miss
The Holy Ghost
It was all over
The place.


And then some
Strength
And Courage to
Help me run this race.


My basket was
Getting full
But I remembered
I needed Grace,


And then I chose
Salvation for
Salvation was for
Free


I tried to get
Enough of that to do
For you and me..


Then I started to
The counter
To pay my grocery
Bill,


For I thought I
Had everything
To do the Masters
Will.


As I went up the
Aisle
I saw Prayer and
Put that in,


For I knew when I
Stepped outside
I would run into
Sin.


Peace and Joy
Were plentiful,
The last things
On the shelf.


Song and Praise
Were hanging near
So I just helped
Myself.


Then I said to
The angel


'Now how much do
I owe?'


He smiled and
Said


'Just take them
Everywhere you go.'


Again I asked
'Really now,


How much do I
Owe?'


'My child' he
Said, 'God paid your bill
A long long time
Ago.'


This poem has
Been sent to you
With love and for
Blessings.


It originated in
The Netherlands
And has been
Around the world 9 times.


The blessing has now
Come to you and
You will receive
Showers of blessings in the mail


Within six days
Of receiving this letter


Providing you
Sent it out to someone else.
Do not send money
As this message
Has no price. Do
Not keep this letter


But send it on to
Someone who


Needs blessings.


Send 5 copies within 9
Minutes of


Reading this and see what
Happens !!!!!!!
Have A Great Day .