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Topics - GrayBeard

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1336
The Coffee Shop / Not a bad Philosophy....
« on: October 24, 2010, 10:00:26 am »
Life is short,
Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And NEVER regret anything that made you smile.

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1337
The Coffee Shop / Letterman's 10 reasons Men prefer Guns over Women!
« on: October 24, 2010, 09:56:53 am »

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....



#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

1338
The Coffee Shop / WHY I am Divorced!
« on: October 24, 2010, 09:48:15 am »

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. 

I went downstairs for breakfast   
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,   
'Happy Birthday!',   
and possibly have a small present for me.   

As it turned out,   
she barely said good morning,   
let alone   
' Happy Birthday.'   

I thought....   

Well, that's marriage for you,   
but the kids....   
They will remember.   

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..   
So when I left for the office,   
I felt pretty low   
and somewhat despondent.   

As I walked into my office,   
my secretary Jane said,   
'Good Morning Boss,   
and by the way   
Happy Birthday ! '   
It felt a little better   
that at least someone had remembered.   

I worked until one o'clock ,   
when Jane knocked on my door   
and said, 'You know,   
It's such a beautiful day outside,   
and it is your Birthday,   
what do you say we go out to lunch,   
just you and me..'   
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,   
that's the greatest thing   
I've heard all day.   
Let's go!'   

We went to lunch.   
But we didn't go   
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro   
with a private table.   
We had two martinis each   
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.   

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,   
It's such a beautiful day...   
We don't need to go straight back to the office,   
Do We?'   

I responded,   
'I guess not.   
What do you have in mind?'   
She said,   
'Let's drop by my apartment,   
it's just around the corner.'   

After arriving at her apartment,   
Jane turned to me and said,

'Boss, if you don't mind,   
I'm going to step into the bedroom   
for just a moment.   
I'll be right back.'   
'Ok.' I nervously replied.   

She went into the bedroom and,   
after a couple of minutes,   
she came out   
carrying a huge birthday cake ...   
Followed   
by my wife,   
my kids,   
and dozens of my friends   
and co-workers,   
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.   

And I just sat there....   

On the couch....   

Naked. 

1339
The Coffee Shop / "Computer" in Spanish.....
« on: October 24, 2010, 09:40:10 am »
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and


4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1340
The Coffee Shop / Bad Day at the Wheel!
« on: October 23, 2010, 09:44:35 pm »
This accident occurred north of Deer Lodge on I-90.  The driver was appx 22 year old guy heading east to College.  He had left central Washington early in the morning.  He fell asleep at the wheel and drifted off the shoulder hitting the end of the section of guard rail.
The guard rail came through the right headlight, engine compartment, firewall, glove box, passenger seat, rear seat and exited out the driver?s side rear window.  That is 120 linear feet of guard rail that threaded through the suburban.
No passengers and the driver was not injured.


1341
General Scroll Saw Talk / Got a email flyer from Harbor Freight...aable
« on: October 23, 2010, 02:37:32 pm »
Closeout items may not be available in all stores...
One item is a 2 pc. set of what appears to be scroll saw blades, Listed as
'Diamond Plated wire blades, 5 1/2" long.' Only 77 cents for the package!
Other items are some real bargains...

If you are going to be out drop by and pick up some 'cheapies'!

~~~GB~~~

1342
The Coffee Shop / 4 letter word time - Saturday...
« on: October 23, 2010, 11:15:21 am »
Love those Aussie Cowboys!
At least in our country they have soft dirt to fall on!

~~~GB~~~

1343
The Coffee Shop / Computer Addict! - Saturday....
« on: October 23, 2010, 11:12:10 am »
Now this girl has a definite idea of multi-tasking!

~~~GB~~~

1344
The Coffee Shop / Rangers 6 - Yankees 1....
« on: October 22, 2010, 10:56:31 pm »
Bottom of the eighth...

Go Texas!!!

Champagne time in Arlington tonight!!!

1346
The Coffee Shop / For those Old Enough to Remember VJ DAY!!!
« on: October 22, 2010, 07:15:42 pm »
16mm restored footage taken in Honolulu the day the Japanese Surrendered!

God Bless Our Veterans!!!

http://vimeo.com/5645171

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1347
The Coffee Shop / Not Blonde...Not even Female!
« on: October 22, 2010, 06:29:09 pm »
These contractors are installing the steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the siddewalk outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and anxious to go home.

 

How long do you think it'll be before they realize where they parked their van?

~~~GB~~~

1348
General Scroll Saw Talk / STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!
« on: October 22, 2010, 06:18:41 pm »
Ladies and Gentlemen....

DO" Not dump a whole fresh hot cup of coffee on your desktop when the keyboard drawer is extended.

The keyboard protected the family 'jewels' from serious damage but the keyboard is DEAD!
I had to go to my 'parts' bin and select a different keyboard.
I am now using one of the wonderful ERGONOMIC 'divided' keyboards.
It's taking me twice as long to type since I have to keep going back and correcting misteaks!

Tiny electrical switches and strong, black, sweetened coffee make a real mess.
I opened it up this morning and decided that it was a lost cause to try and clean and re-use so it went to the computer re-cycle box.

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1349
The Coffee Shop / A Halloween Story....
« on: October 22, 2010, 04:15:28 pm »
A Dark and Stormy Night
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty Hill were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.   It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife, unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,"Hello My name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty .  We've been in a terrible accident, and she has been seriously hurt. May I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. He places Betty on a table. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places him on an adjoining table.

 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

 
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty 's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

 
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:



 
"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

You should have seen that one coming!

1350
The Coffee Shop / The Trooper and the Juggler.....
« on: October 22, 2010, 03:01:00 pm »
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virgina State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him..

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken
good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no  way I can pass that test.'

~~~GB~~~

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