Topics

1066

The Coffee Shop / FINALLY ! ! ! ! ! ! !

« on: February 13, 2011, 04:35:40 pm »

The sun is shining...

The Snow is melting.....

AND GrayBeard is in the shop at the saw!!!!!

First cuts since 12/23!

Boy does it feel good and tomorrow is supposed to be even better.

Feelin' Good, gang....Feelin' GOOD!!!

~~~GB~~~

1067

The Coffee Shop / Snowstorm in Washington, D.C.

« on: February 13, 2011, 09:25:56 am »

When everything shut down Not EVERYONE took a Snow Day!

The Tomb of the "Unknown Soldier" was still guarded!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1068

The Coffee Shop / The New Employee......

« on: February 12, 2011, 08:27:44 pm »

 There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
 
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
 
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
 
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

  I ' m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... ?
 
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

1069

The Coffee Shop / Understanding Engineers.....

« on: February 11, 2011, 11:26:35 am »

Understanding  Engineers - One
 
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
 
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,  Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to  the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
 
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
 
-- -------------------------------------------------
 
Understanding  Engineers - Two
 
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
---------------------------------------------------
 
Understanding  Engineers - Three
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer  were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
 
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
 
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a  word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
 
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
 
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
 
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
-------------------------------------------------
 
Understanding Engineers - Four
 
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
 
--------------------------------------------------
 
Understanding Engineers -  Five
 
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"  The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Understanding Engineers - Six
 
Three  engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
 
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
 
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 
---------------------------------------------------
 
Understanding Engineers -  Seven
 
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 
------------------------------------------
 
Understanding  Engineers - Eight
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
 
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
 
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
 
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
 
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

~~~GB~~~

1070

The Coffee Shop / Latest keyboard design....

« on: February 11, 2011, 11:18:08 am »

for old "geezers".....

~~~GB~~~

1071

The Coffee Shop / 2010 "IDIOT of The Year" List!

« on: February 09, 2011, 03:54:22 pm »

1. WILL  THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? 
AT&T fired President John  Walter after nine months, saying he lacked  Intellectual leadership.  He received a $26  million severance package.
Perhaps it's not  Walter who's lacking  intelligence.



2. WITH A  LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. 
Police in Oakland , CA spent  two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had  barricaded himself inside his home. After firing  ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that  the man was standing beside them in the police  line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself  up."



3. WHAT  WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to  have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to  drive to two different automated teller machines,  wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money  from his own bank  accounts.


4 THE  GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka ,   Kansas , Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in  the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too  small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked  the counter himself for three hours until police  showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I  SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good  luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't  control himself during a lineup. When detectives  asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:  "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man  shouted, "That's not what I  said!"



6. ARE WE  COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into  the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her  contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this  her first child?" the Doctor asked.
"No!" the  man shouted. "This is her  husband!"




7. NOT THE  SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard  King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of   America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb  and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he  failed to keep his hand in his  pocket..  (hellooooooo)!



8. THE  GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake  Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east  of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating,  were having a problem.  No  matter how hard they tried  they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat  going. It was very sluggish in almost every  maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go they  pulled into a nearby marina, thinking someone  there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A  thorough topside check revealed everything in  perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the  out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was  the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina  guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He  came up choking on water, he was laughing so  hard.
NOW  REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still  strapped securely in place, was the  trailer!

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1072

The Coffee Shop / "Sumbich"

« on: February 09, 2011, 03:46:13 pm »

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. 
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion 
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. 
At the height of the party, 
The host said, 'I have a 10 foot 
Man-eating gator in my pool 
And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! 
Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and  flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. 
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. 
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.   
Finally the host says, 'Well, 
Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy. 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 
No thanks, I don't want it,' 
Answered Leroy. 
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' 
Again Leroy said no. 
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what  do   you want?' 
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1073

The Coffee Shop / Three Holy Men and a Bear....

« on: February 09, 2011, 03:44:40 pm »

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a  Rabbi all served as

chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan   University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk

shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really

all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing

led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and

attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all  came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his  arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had

various bandages on his body and  limbs, went first.  'Well,' he said, 'I

went into the woods to find me a  bear. And when I found him, I began to

read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do

with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water,

sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of  God, he became as gentle as a

lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to  give him first communion and

confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke  next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both

legs in casts, and  had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he

claimed, 'WELL,  brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out

and I FOUND me a  bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's

HOLY WORD! But that  bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of

him and we began to  wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and

DOWN another until we  came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and

BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And  just like you said, he became as gentle as

a lamb.. We spent the rest of  the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both  looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying

in a hospital bed. He was in a body  cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of  him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:  "Looking back on it,  .......circumcision

may not have been the best way to  start."

~~~GrayBeard~~~

1074

The Coffee Shop / A "Public Service Message"...

« on: February 08, 2011, 12:29:13 pm »

To all my friends  who enjoy a glass of wine... 
And those  who don't and are always
seen with a  bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine  there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is  bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, 
Scientists  have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of  water each day,
At the end  of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1  kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in  faeces.
In other  words, we are consuming 1 kilo of  poop!

However, 
We do NOT  run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or  tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because  alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling,  filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poo
Wine =  Health
Therefore,  it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be  full of crap.

There  is no need to thank me for this valuable information: 
I'm doing  it as a public  service!

~~~GB~~~

1075

The Coffee Shop / A Desert Love Story....

« on: February 08, 2011, 11:43:27 am »

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.



He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.



As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.



They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

They finally decided on......

.

.

.

You ready for this??

.

.

.

'Humphrey'!!!!!!!!!!.

Oh, stop your whining  and groaning!!!!!!!! 

It's a nice story . . . and better than a lot of the junk I forward to you

~~~GB~~~

 

 

 

1076

The Coffee Shop / A 'farm kid' joins the U.S. Marines!

« on: February 07, 2011, 12:26:03 am »

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines and writes that first obligatory letter home.... 


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well.  Hope you are. Tell brothers Walt and Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.  Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon  when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.



They don't bother you none. 


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.   I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.   I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.





Your loving daughter,

Alice

1077

The Coffee Shop / New "Speed Control" in Georgia!

« on: February 06, 2011, 12:48:14 pm »

A citizen complains about a speed sign!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8&feature=player_embedded

~~~GB~~~

1078

The Coffee Shop / How big is your home?

« on: February 06, 2011, 12:07:23 pm »

Too Small?

Try this one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg9qnWg9kak

~~~GB~~~

1079

The Coffee Shop / Amazing "Human Camera"!

« on: February 06, 2011, 11:29:50 am »

Subject: HUMAN CAMERA
 
Once you see this, you will be blown away. If you have never seen this
before, you are in for a treat.
Some of us wonder what the best
computer is in the world - got to be a brain.

THIS MAN IS KNOWN AS THE

'HUMAN CAMERA' !
 
 
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=0k4lsi1dql 

~~~GB~~~

1080

The Coffee Shop / Just in case you thought we were blowing smoke...

« on: February 05, 2011, 03:32:29 pm »

Weather Pictures from the recent Snow Storms!!!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-40-most-amazing-pictures-of-the-blizzaster-of?s=mobile

Some of these are really interesting...Don't leave your car windows open in a snow storm if you abandon it!

~~~GrayBeard~~~