Topics

106

The Coffee Shop / A good old Newfie joke.

« on: March 09, 2013, 09:56:28 pm »

George and a Newfie feller were both patients in a mental hospital in St. John?s. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, George suddenly jumped into the deep end.
 
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The Newfie promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled George out.
 
When the medical director became aware of the Newfie?s heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
 
When he went to tell the Newfie the news he said, ?Newf, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you?re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound thinking and judgment.
 
The bad news is, George, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he?s dead.?
 
The Newfie replied ?He didn?t hang himself; I put him there to dry ? So?how soon can I go home??

107

Pattern Requests. / Tall order.

« on: March 06, 2013, 01:43:57 pm »

I will be retiring in a few years after 30 years of teaching. The school I have worked at for the last 12 years is called "Crescent Collegiate" and our mascot is a coyote. Our teams are refered to as the
 "Crescent Collegiate Coyotes". I am thinking I would like to make an intarsia piece incorporating the school name and the image of a coyote to donate to the school as my final contribution to the school and students. If an intarsia pattern is too much to ask for, I would consider doing a fretwork piece as an alternative.  Any takers. Thanks in advance  for your help with this project. Clyde

108

The Coffee Shop / Watch da coffee!

« on: March 04, 2013, 03:06:52 pm »

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
 
I have two female parrots,
 
But they only know to say one thing.'
 
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
 
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
 
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
 
Then he thought for a moment.....
 
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
 
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
 
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
 And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
 
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
 
The next day,
 She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
 
As he ushered her in,
 She saw that his two male parrots
 were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
 
Impressed,
 She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
 
After a few minutes,
 The female parrots cried out in unison:
 
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
 
There was stunned silence...
 
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
 
'Put the beads away, Frank,
 Our prayers have been answered!

109

The Coffee Shop / The fishing trip.

« on: March 01, 2013, 01:36:13 pm »

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
 Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
 
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
 "$&#% ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
 
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
 She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !
 

110

The Coffee Shop / No body believes seniors

« on: February 24, 2013, 08:08:24 am »

My contribution to your Sunday Morning chuckle. It is a glorious day here at North America's must easterly point. I hope this little story sets your mood for the rest of your day. Clyde


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally .'
 On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.. 'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
 Sally said, 'No'.
 Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic..
 Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile'
 The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said:'Tell us the
 story from the beginning.'
 Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .....'
 The first officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'

111

The Coffee Shop / Snow in Arizona

« on: February 20, 2013, 08:25:20 pm »

I was just watching the national news and they had a clip that Flagstaff got dumped on with 30cm of the white stuff. What is that about.....??

112

The Coffee Shop / Interesting pictures

« on: February 17, 2013, 07:44:57 pm »

This should get a few comments

113

Pattern Requests. / I need your help with a pattern

« on: February 12, 2013, 07:48:21 pm »

I have a request for a hockey puck with the team name put into it like the one attached. The team is the Montreal Canadiens. A few years back I made a bunch of these with different logos on them but now I cannot find the site where I got it from. These are gifts for a friend and not for sale. Any help will be appreciated, Thanks

114

The Coffee Shop / What Lutherians do with their bottles?

« on: February 12, 2013, 07:33:37 pm »

Is that you in the middle King? The one with the bottle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k26nt3Y4cmg&feature=related

115

The Coffee Shop / lie detecting robot. coffee alert

« on: February 11, 2013, 07:47:13 pm »

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!

116

The Coffee Shop / Fart Football," watch that coffee"

« on: February 06, 2013, 02:51:44 pm »

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
 
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
 
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
 
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
 
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
 
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
 
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
 
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
 
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
 
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 

117

The Coffee Shop / Lay down your coffee.

« on: February 05, 2013, 07:12:29 pm »

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
 
That when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
 
Realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man
 
Next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going
 
To do now!?"
 
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and
 
Pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
 
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said. The man then
 
Said, "I have another pair -- try these."
 
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
 
The man was not taken back at all.
 
He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
 
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that, he ate
 
His meal and gave his speech.
 
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank
 
The man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming
 
To my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good
 
Dentist."
 
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

118

The Coffee Shop / Kids

« on: February 04, 2013, 06:43:18 pm »

How kids earn extra money around here.  ( That is really me, cut the blade with my scroll saw)

119

The Coffee Shop / The scotsman and the arab

« on: January 30, 2013, 06:06:08 pm »

Ya gotta love this one..
 
An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
 surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need
 arose.
 
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so,
 the call went out.
 
Finally a Scotsman by the name of Rob was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot
 willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
 
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his
 blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars.
 
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
 surgery.
 
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
 blood again.
 
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a
 box of Laura Secord chocolates.
 
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
 as he had anticipated.
 
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
 that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave
 me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

 To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma
 veins".

120

The Coffee Shop / Long but great story.

« on: January 30, 2013, 06:00:53 pm »

King this one is for you, You will appreciate this one.


TASER GIFT STORY

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!